Y.I. Wednesday: Why I Don't Have Many Friends

I really have to say I don't think I have many friends.

Okay, maybe that came out wrong.

I have not had many 'good' friends.

Wait, that isn't quite what I mean either.

Let me try again:

Over the years, I've only had a few really close genuine friends.

Ah, that's better.

So, why do you suppose this is?

It might be because I'm a very busy mother. Many can relate to that...

It could be because I am not very friendly...ummmm, uh uh, that's surely not it.

Hey, I know! It might be because I'm a jerk! Nah, I've already said that I'm not a jerk...

So, if it's not any of those things...I have to wonder, it it's because 'I call it like I see it'.

Do you know how many people in the world would actually prefer you tell them what they want to hear, rather than what they need to hear? (I don't know the number either, but I'm betting it's a lot!)

I've never been a sugar coater. I like to ask thought provoking questions and give people my honest opinion (if they ask for it first, of course, otherwise that's just rude...).

Here's an example of the shoe being on the other foot: (Mine actually)

The other day, I called a couple of my friends for some advice. One of them was my father. (Yes, even after my turbulent angry teen years, I consider my dad my friend.)

I can tell my dad anything, and that man will, well...'tell me like he see's it'. (Gulp)

Never for a second does he entertain any idea that my brain comes up with, if... he sees a true problem with it.

I hat that about him....and love it at the same time.

After a good hour long chat on the phone, I hung up feeling deflated...but confident! You see, I had sensed I wanted to make a choice that may not be the 'best' one...and after telling him all of my ideas, and he telling me 'all of the truth behind my ideas', I realized it probably wasn't going to be the best plan after all.

He was right...of course. (I hate that too sometimes.)

After my husband and I discussed my chat with Dad, we agreed our gut had told us not to do in the first place anyhow, and though I sort of didn't want to listen to it....

I didn't want to, but I needed to.

Often, if we tell our friends the truth about something they are about to do, they can become defensive.
They can even come to the decision that they don't consider us a friend. It's not that we don't believe in them, love them or trust them. It's actually, just the opposite...we care for them more than they know and just don't want to see them fall.

If that causes me to have less friends, so be it. I'd rather be honest with them, than tell them a lie that they will be angry with me for later.

So it's back to the drawing board for me!

Thanks Dad! (And I mean that in the most sincere way.)

Happy 1st Anniversary Yellow Inspiration: New Things Coming!

A year ago I decided to check out this 'blogging thing'.

I started Yellow Inspiration so I could give back, do what I love, and hold myself accountable to write everyday.

I knew that it would eventually help me to get motivated enough to write my book.

2 new blogs, 416 Posts, 15,313 page views, currently working on my book finally, and recently started my own copywriting and editing company, ...

Blogging has been a blessing.

And, now Yellow Inspiration is growing to new levels!

It's getting a new look!
New Features like most popular blog posts tab in the sidebar!
Yellow is now being added to Wordpress!
 Andis Y.I. NEW on Wednesdays!
Visit the new Y.I. Tab to see what it's all about!

HAPPY 1st Year ANNIVERSARY YELLOW INSPIRATION!
You've been a blessing!

Are You a Text Message Abuser?

‘Hey Pot, this is Kettle….’

‘Are you a text message abuser?’

‘Yes,yes I am....'

'That is why I can write this post.’

I’ve been that person; opting to text before calling someone, because it seems quicker or easier. Most times I’ve chosen to relay important messages via technology rather than speaking them. (But get upset when others do the same..)

I have also been the one who’s not fully available during a face to face conversation, distracted by that untimely incoming message (because for some reason I haven’t figured out  yet that my text-message inbox has a built-in-readable-mailbox so I don’t have to answer every text immediately). And of course being disgusted that someone else has done it to moi.

Like computers, texting has become, I think, a-cool-new-fang-dangled-gadget that was supposedly going to make our lives easier (and can sometimes) but that that we end up abusing. 

Texting, more often than not can actually interfere with relationships and communication, not always enhance them.

You know what I’m talking about…

How many times have you texted someone, only for the message to: 

A) never reach the person

B) reach them too late 

C) come across wrong and you had to write 20 more texts to clarify what you ‘really meant’ only to end up on the phone for about an hour with that person anyhow because…‘texting’ just wasn’t working?

I’m beginning to realize that once a person depends on texting as an acceptable way of corresponding, they falsely consider it a sustainable replacement for good old fashioned communication.

Trust me... I understand all too well that it takes time to make a phone call. Because unlike when you’re texting-you cannot always multitask, nor can you stop talking at any moment and pick up the conversation later. 

(Hence me being the Kettle.)

Texting is not the same as speaking and can actually do more damage than good.

I've learned this the hard way.

For instance, some people do not text or do not care for it and they do it with you because it's the only way you will respond...(sound familiar?-yes, I recognize this too). These friends/relatives do not value texting, they don't prefer to do it, but yet we do not use their preferred source of communique and so when we choose not to call them they may feel that they are not important to us. (Seems a little one-sided doesn't it?) 

-Again, I understand, since I am the Kettle.

And to defend my texting practices and all those out there who live ridiculously busy lives (which is almost everyone) texting seems the right thing to do most of the time but read on....it isn't always.

When we’re texting there can be moments of bonding opportunities lost.

For example:

Humans have five sense and hearing is one of them. When it comes to human bonding, nothing enhances a conversation like the sound of someone’s voice. 

Especially when saying 'I'm sorry..', 'I love you.', or 'How can I help?'. 

Also:

Listening is an art which benefits both the person who is speaking and the one who is listening. Texting does not clearly prove that someone is listening, nor can the person who’s talking always feel acknowledged and understood if they cannot see the person on the other end. (Body language has been said to account for 93% of a conversation.)

I can say all of this, because I am guilty of it.

So since the New Year, I have tried to be more aware of this and make a phone call over texting if the situation allows, and I try to notch out quiet time to make that call so that I can be present 100% (which does take preparation sometimes but is worth it).

When I get off the phone with the person I chose to call rather than text, I never regret it. I feel very fulfilled. I am content that we understood one another, and above all, bonded. 

Because that is what relationships are all about.

Do you think texting is the quickest, most efficient way to communicate or the quickest, most efficient way to destroy a relationship?

Tell me your pros and cons on texting.

**And I have a challenge for you**

This week, when picking up the phone to text a message, ask yourself this question: 

Would it be better if I called?

Truly,

Amber

ITS ALL ABOUT Y.O.U.

Blogs are everywhere.

If you go to blogger and keep clicking the ‘next blog’ button you will find all types of blogs written by a variety of different people.

They are written in different languages, by different ages and genders regarding just about any subject. 

You can learn about food, hobbies, illnesses, your neighbors families events and more, by reading people's blogs.

Traditionally, these blogs are about the those who are writing them, or at least about something that involves them.

Blogs seem to be a way for people to be able to ‘tell’ someone about themselves. 

Kind of like Facebook, though with more space to write and with better graphics options.

It’s a neat concept and I love blogging. 

I just wonder where I fall into blogging because every time I write a post, I feel like it’s more about you-than it is about me.

Sure, I write them, and I do tend to share some personal information, but I do this for the reader.

My goal is to keep the ‘self’ to a minimum and the 'you' to a maximum.

I love interacting with people and I love getting to know them. 

I would very much like to get to know Y.O.U.

Write me a note about yourself; tell me your story, tell me what your dreams and aspirations are or what inspires you to be the best You! Tell me something that you would like to get better at. Tell me what has helped you most in your Journey through Life.

One of my favorite things to do is listen to others.

Send me a note about Y.O.U. to:  AmberInspiration@gmail.com 

(Or maybe you have a blog of your own and would like to share your link. Please do! I would love to read it!)

 

Truly,

Amber

Living a better life through better communication-Communication Part III

In part II we learned the importance of staying present in the conversation and how botched things can get if we do not. We also reminded ourselves that a big part of successful communication is beginning to understand the other person first, before pressing too hard to be understood.

In part I of our Communication post we answered questions about some trouble we might be having being heard or understood.

We listed who this tends to happen with, when it tends to happens and over what topic(s).

It’s very well possible that our answers included, ‘multiple topics and people; and at multiple times’, this is fine because can often the case.

One of the last questions answered was ‘what one thing did we wish the other person(s) would change to help the situation go smoother’; many of us probably had that answer pretty quickly because there is nothing more frustrating than when it seems someone is not ‘getting’ what we are saying, or worse, they just don’t seem to care.

But I wonder if we don’t realize that maybe it isn’t the other person. Could it very well be us?

If we evaluate the list of things we wish that they would change, we ‘d probably realize that we could both benefit from changing what we do in communication.

It sounds backwards and probably not what anyone was hoping to hear. Though, for others to make changes around us sometimes we must be the first one to change. And since we cannot control anyone else, why not start with ourselves! (It’s back t the old Serenity Prayer.)

Here are some key areas that we can help ourselves be heard and understood better:

·        Close your mouth and open your ears

·        Be in the now (stay present in the conversation)

·        Maintain eye contact

·        Think before you speak (count to 3 if you must)

·        Know who you are and what you want

Listen:

My son has been overly talkative at school lately and we are working with him to get him to practice listening. So, my fiancé reminds him that he needs to keep mouth closed and ears open. This is not being mean, though it may sound like it. It’s being honest, and I imagine that we have all heard that from our teachers and parents at least once in our lives. Not to mention, if you know what a happy, energetic six year old boy sounds like, especially when he is excited, than you would welcome this directness too! Phew.

At six years old, he is not the only one who needs practice listening. Many adults do too. (I am one of them.)

As much as I love to listen to people talk (and I really do!), I love hearing their stories and I love asking them about their experiences, etc., on occasion I can find myself getting carried away with my own words  and forget that it’s not my turn anymore.

I’ve learned that the more you take the less people listen anyway, and use fewer words to articulate; too many words can lead things off track and the original focus of the conversation is lost. People tune out. (Whether it is the fault of a short-attention-span-society or our desire to babble it does not matter; we still need to adjust to be more effective in communications.)

With such a self indulgent society and in such a fast paced, communication era, we are all about talking and telling.  It’s all well and good and I like it, but relationships don’t work with just ‘me’; they need a ‘we’. And if we are all on our soapboxes at the same time and don’t let anyone else have a turn, we don’t really get the privilege of knowing someone.

Relationships grow stronger when we truly listen to each other and learn about them.  So listen more than you talk.

Stay in the now:

It’s been said that the average attention span for an adult is about 15-20 minutes, and web surfers using a search engine have an attention span of about 8 seconds so, either way, there isn’t much of a window to get your point across so we need to learn to speak with intention.

That means that not only do we need to speak more precisely and in less time, but also have to listen more intently, knowing that our sands of time are running out and soon we will self-destruct into the classic distracted-listener.

Maintain eye contact:

(My 9 yr. old suggested this be listed as an important part of communication;)

Eye contact is genuine. It shows that your focus and attention is on the person in front of you. We must not text, look at our watch or get distracted by people passing by. There should be nothing more important than the human being, in the flesh who is standing in front of us, because they will care if we are not listening; the phone or watch, well they won’t know the difference and I promise that they will be there when your conversation is over.

Think before you speak:

This is as much for the listener as it is for the speaker. A ‘train of thought’ can take off to too many other places, leading us to forget what we were talking about and come to mention it, what they were talking about too.

We have to take a second to reply. We should be think about what we are going to say before we say it (and NOT while the other person is talking).  It’s  wise to take a breath or two while preparing to speak, or else everything in our busy brains will spill out all at once and completely cover what we really want to say.

If someone is not paying attention to you, stop talking. This one might be difficult:

But chances are they stopped listening a long time ago. I’m not sure about you, but I have an extremely difficult time carrying on conversations with people who aren’t listening. If they do not engage in the conversation, engage too much, or seem to be distracted and show no real interest; I stop talking. (Yes, I stop speaking completely and I walk away or discontinue the conversation on the phone. I figure why bother, they don’t care and they are certainly not listening. They are not going to understand anything, and I cannot get any of my questions answered. Those conversations are ugly.)

Know yourself as an individual:

You must know yourself to communicate effectively. Who you are comes out when you speak, and it affects how people receive you.

Conversation, no matter how minor and on the surface, is still a way we get to know each other.

If you aren’t sure who you are or where you stand, you could too often shift back and forth on your opinions in the conversation; confusing the heck out of those around you, not to mention yourself.

Don’t keep repeating their last word to seem involved in the discussion.

With such a self-catering society, in such a fast paced, communication era, we are all about ‘telling’.  That is all well and good, but relationships don’t work with just ‘me’; they need ‘we’.

But, the most common thread in our communication struggles is ourselves, so although we wish others would change; we are the only one that can.

Today pick one thing off of this list to work on so we can work on bettering our lives through more precise, clear and meaningful communication!

 ‘Communication is a skill that you can learn. It’s like riding a bicycle or typing. If you’re willing to work at it, you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life.’ – Brian Tracy

 If only others will follow our lead, our relationships would really benefit! Now stop texting, finish reading and go listen to someone! ;)

P.S.  I wonder how many readers could actually read, stay focused and follow all three parts of this Communication post to the end.  Please share this post….’pass it on’…

Truly,

Amber

Communication pt II

(If you are just joining this blog post for the first time, you might want to first read the Communication (part I) posting on Mon., Feb. 7^th.)

‘The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.’ – George Bernard Shaw-(I know that we ended the last post with this quote from Mr. Shaw already, but it is so fitting, I feel it needs repeating.)

Communication; it’s linked to so much. Through it we express who we are, what we think and what we need. Communication is also how we accomplish things or help others do the same. It’s something we do every day all day long, and because we do, we falsely believe that we have mastered it.

Most times we’re wrong.

Remember the activity your teacher might have done with you in school? She would whisper something to the first student; they would whisper it to the second student and so on and so forth? Until at the very end, the message was completely misconstrued from its original form?

Communication breakdown can be caused by so many things…and can really be quite detrimental.

Take for example the most recent gap in communication that resulted in this close call.

ABC News recently reported that on January 17^th an American Airlines jumbo jet, carrying 259 passengers, narrowly missed two C17 military cargo planes. The jumbo jet was landing and the military planes were on takeoff. The difference between them at one point was only 200 ft.   

The cause? 

Miscommunication… between the two air traffic control towers. Ouch? Almost…

Again, quality of communication equals quality of life… It’s scary how significant it can be.

Regarding the questions in covered in the last post: I wonder which one aspect on the list you answered to be the most important in successful communication? 

Which one did you choose to put at the top of your list?

Ø  Verbal

Ø  Listening

Ø  Body Language

Ø  Tone of voice/inflection

Verbal seems to be the most commonly chosen answer. And if you did pick verbal, what percentage of communication did you guess it would be? It’s been a long discussed fact verbal is top in communication when it is really only about 7 % of and non-verbal is 93%. So, the other three on this list make up the majority of communication. Verbal is just a small portion of it.

And when it comes to face to face communication this holds true. Since what a person does while they are talking with you will say a lot about how well they are actually listening. If they are texting (and I am guilty of it), talking on the phone, or anything else, they are probably not truly hearing you. And this affects how much they ‘get’ as well as how much you ‘give’.

As in the case of these two control tower personnel, I would have to speculate that they might have been distracted and most likely were not listening to each other. (Again, it’s just speculation, but it doesn’t take much to mix up communication on the verbal and the listening end.)

Regardless of the cause, communication is the key. And listening is really the word that ought to be at the top of the list.

So, how do we listen effectively?

Let’s  go with simplicity and a visual.

My son has been overly talkative at school lately and we are working with him to get him to practice listening. My fiancee tells him, we have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason.  (I think that we’ve all heard that from our teachers or parents at least once in our lives.) My fiancee also reminds my son that he needs to keep his mouth closed and ears open. This is not being mean, although it may sound like it. It’s being honest. (If you know what a happy six year old boy sounds like, especially when he is excited, than you would be this direct with him too).

As we mature we are supposed to outgrow the ‘talk first, listen later’ routine, but many of us do not. With our busy lives and many distractions we could stand to take this elementary-advice once in a while.

Here are some more tips to help with listening :

1.       Get and STAY in the moment. Be in the ‘hear’ and now; don’t be thinking about dinner, getting gas or walking the dog when you get home

2.       Do not multitask; if you are ‘doing something’ while someone is talking than you are not actively listening

3.       Ask questions, then repeat back the answer to ensure you heard them and also understood them (it sounds strange, but it works)

4.       Maintain eye contact (and this one comes from my 9 year old)

5.       DON’T ASSUME. Do you assume what people are thinking and then talk accordingly? That’s a big no-no. (If I can’t read your mind, how can you possibly read mine?)

And one of the most important:

**‘Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.’ (Be still, be quiet and find out where they are coming from before speak.)

So, here is your challenge for the next 24 hours. Practice good communication by listening.

Every time you are in a communicative relationship with someone practice at least two of the tips we mentioned here.

Truly,

Amber

**This is a Proverb in the bible, and Stephen R. Covey’s Habit #5., in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

For more information visit these links:

http://bible.org/seriespage/communication-skills

https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits-habit5.php

Q: What’s communication got to do with it?

A: Everything.

Have you ever felt as if no one listens to you? Or worse, no one understands you?

 It could be because they don’t.

This week I am writing about communication and how it plays a direct part in our successes, failures and happiness.

Why is it important to communicate well?

Because…the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our communication…I know that I have heard this somewhere before and I believe it completely.

Face it; we are not mind readers. We cannot presume someone else’s thoughts, intentions or desires, anymore than they can guess ours.

How many times have you said something and somebody took it the wrong way? How often did you attempt to say what you were thinking, but ended up saying something completely different? How often do you tell someone what you want, but don’t get it?

It happens…. Communication is not easy and takes practice. Hence why there are courses on it and couples go to counseling to improve it.

Likewise, there are many different facets to communication. Here are a top few:

Ø Verbal

Ø Listening

Ø Body Language

Ø Tone of voice/inflection

Not everyone is aware of how important each one of these is and how much they contribute to what you say, how you say and what people hear.

Contrary to what some might believe these parts of communication are not created equal.

See if you can decide which one of these would be of the utmost importance in communicating. Then write down how much of the percentage of the conversation you think it is.

These are just the most commonly mentioned parts of communicating; I have a list of others I will address later on in the week, but for now I’d like you to stop reading and start writing.

·        Write down a few of the most recent times when you felt the most misunderstood.

·        Write down with whom it tends to happen with and when.

·        Maybe you could list a few of the topics/situations that arise during those situations. (This may take a few extra minutes to recall, but do the best you can.)

·        Write down why you think communication in these situations is not going well.

·        What one thing do you wish those people/person should change.

In my next post you can use your answers to help you gain more insight into communication breakdowns which will lead you one step closer to better relationships.

‘The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.’ – George Bernard Shaw

                                                       ….to be continued….

Truly,

Amber