Friday, December 31, 2010

Stay or Go Browns


I’ve been a Cleveland Browns fan for three years and I’m beginning to understand the ‘Maybe next year’ line.
By the time I moved to Cleveland in October of 2007, I’d been a football fan for about a year, but had not yet picked a team to follow.
Being from Connecticut, I could have easily chosen a well-known, and very successful team; the New England Patriots. But since I now considered Ohio my home, it seemed natural to choose the Browns.
I happily cheered for the Browns that first season, as they finished 10-6. I even stood in a blizzard in Buffalo while the Browns upset the Bills with a field goal kick; the silence in that stadium was priceless.
I was on board with my team, thought they weren’t half bad and looked ahead to the next season.
Though, the next season was a letdown and I soon realized the common place mudslinging that goes with poor performance from the Browns. With quarterback controversies and debates about whether Romeo was staying or going, it was a downer to say the very least.
Personally I liked D.A. way better than B.Q. and frankly, I thought that if anyone should go, it ought to be Romeo. But diehard Cleveland fans stood by their man. And finally, when Romeo was told to hit the road, I was overjoyed!
When Eric Mangini came aboard I was excited and relieved. It looked like the Browns were finally getting what they really wanted and needed, a new coach! But to my dismay, I figured out Cleveland is as hard on their coaches, as they are brutal on their quarter backs. Negative gossip about Mangini began his first day on the job and I would soon learn that this type of talk was just what Cleveland did. History would show that coach turnovers in Cleveland were just as plentiful as ball turnovers. No Good.
I had to wonder how the Browns could accomplish anything without consistency or stability?!!
Well, apparently they can’t. Because it seems history is about to repeat itself once again. I have been in Cleveland for three years and the Browns have had two different head coaches in that time, and the buzz is if they don’t win (or at the very least, play well) this Sunday against the Steelers, there may be another new coach on the horizon.
I might not know a whole lot about football, but isn’t this supposed to be a man’s sport? So, why all the drama!? It’s too bad, sports should be fun, not play out like a soap opera.
Let’s look at this logically.
The Browns have made some small steps in the right direction. From what I recall the Browns used to be a second half team. They’d come to the first half, but didn’t really play until the second half. They couldn’t catch the football to save their lives and they had no defense at all! Now the Browns can actually keep possession of the ball for longer, can actually hold off the other team and they can catch balls and run touchdowns from time to time! They’ve made some interesting plays and left experienced, winning, coaches scratching their heads. The Browns are becoming competitive!
Isn’t that progress? Isn’t that what Cleveland asked for? If you ask me, the Browns deserve an award for ‘Most Improved’ and Mangini deserves an award for putting up with the garbage.
Can’t people see, you cannot shine up an old car in a day; it takes months, sometimes years to restore a classic back to its original state. And upon inspection, sometimes the damage is deeper than what meets the eye.
This team has an awful story filled with emotional turmoil  and baggage. We've made some progress but some things haven’t changed.
How about the fact that another one of our coaches is again being fried. I am so tired of hearing about whether Mangini should be ‘allowed’ to stay or go. I wonder, has anybody ever given it a thought, maybe Mangini might not want to stay? Because let me tell you, if I had to work with the world hanging over me, breathing down my neck, threatening my job every day… I’d quit! Who in the world wants to worry that they could be canned any day, no matter if they tried or not? That’s just higher ups bullying for a better outcome. Problem is, it’s not good management and will never get the results Cleveland wants and needs.
What do we expect of our coach if we badger him after every game? Give the guy a break and let him do his job. No, the Browns aren’t on a winning streak, but they can’t be expected to. What, after just two seasons Mangini should have the Brown’s doing a complete 180? It’s just not possible.
Even at the hands of Bill Belichick, the Browns were no stars. The record shows that this is how the Browns play. They're like a roller coaster; up and down and unpredicatable, both on the field and in the front office. If we want to see major improvements than what we need is time.
My feelings?
Since it seems that the owners are obviously the biggest finger pointers here, using their trigger finger to fire coaches every few years, they might want to take notice, as they do this, there’s always three fingers pointing back at themselves.
If the Browns fire Mangini after just two seasons they will be repeating history and I think the saying goes like this: Keep doing what you’ve always done, keep getting what you’ve always got.
My advice?
If the Browns are truly unhappy with Mangini as a coach, next time they should be more selective next time because desperate is as desperate does. Additionally, they might want to instill some belief in their coach for once, rather than doubt. It’s not real good for moral.
But, what do I know…I’m just a fan.
“One thing that could be a problem is breaking old habits. It’s not that you don’t understand what the new responsibilities or plays are, but just the fact that you’ve been doing something a long time and you’re kind o fused to doing it, it’s a habit, and that’s not what’s required in the other system and that means kind of undoing something before you can even start to do something new.”-A quote by Bill Belichick

Truly,
Amber


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

7 (Borrowed) Steps to Being Accountable for Your Life

Several of my friends are independent business women. They work hard at building their own businesses and they are consistently active in personal growth. I admire them and appreciate when they share with me things they're learning.

About a year ago, I received this list from one of them and I would like to share it with you.

The list has no title but 'You' are the main idea in each numbered point.
Read it and see what you think.
I suggest reading it out loud.

1. The Buck Stops Here
            I accept responsibility for my past
            I control my thoughts-I control my emotions
            I am responsible for my success

2. I Will Seek Wisdom
            I will become a humble servant to others
            I will look to open the door for someone
            I will listen to the counsel of wise men
            I will choose my friends with care

3.  I am a Person of Action
            I inspire others with my activity
            I am a leader-leading is doing-I must move forward

4.  I Have a Decided Heart
            I do not procrastinate. All my problems become smaller when I confront them
            I will not wait.
            I am passionate about my vision for the future
            My course has been charted. My destiny is assured.

5.  Today I Will Choose to Be Happy-I am the Possessor of a Grateful Spirit
            I will smile at every person I meet
            My smile has become my calling card
            My smile is the key to my emotional makeup
            I will greet each day with laughter

6.  I will Greet This Day with a Forgiving Spirit
            I have forgiven myself
            By forgiving myself, I ease the doubts, fears and frustration that have kept my past in the present
            From this day forward, my history will cease to control my destiny
            My life has just begun
            I will forgive those who criticizes me unjustly

7.  I Will Persist with Expectation
            I have faith in my future
            I do not look left or right, I look forward
            I can only persist
            Faith has no limits

Sometimes we have to look in the mirror for the answer.
            I will expect miracle in my life
            I focus on results



At times, we are where we are,
because we want to be- author unknown

Amber




Sunday, December 19, 2010

More than Love



I went to the library a couple of weeks ago for some encouragement and insight on relationships.
I picked out an audio book called Rescue Your Love Life, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
I have to admit, at first I felt like seemed too severe. I knew that my significant other and I had things we needed to work on, but were we really in that much trouble?
Both of us are from divorced parents, and both of us are divorced as well, so we have some baggage and try often to work things out together as best as possible. We usually do okay, but I felt like we needed something else.
I noticed the subtitle:  Change Those Dumb Attitudes & Behaviors That Will Sink Your Marriage.
I was a bit embarrassed to check this out, wondering if my relationship really needed to be rescued from sinking. And if it did, why in the world were we even together?
The  audio book was clearly meant for the married couple, but I got it anyhow, hoping it would have something amazing to teach us.
 We are not married, but we are living together raising my three children. We are in this for the long haul, so we really needed some insight into how we could be in love more often, and learn how to communicate better.
We listened to the cd’s separately while still having problems, and it didn’t seem to change things.
Then I took my significant other’s advice and we listened to them together on our extended car ride this weekend.  
It was a great idea! We learned a lot and had many opportunities to talk about what we were listening to and how it related to us and the issues in our own relationship.
We learned in many situations it’s as simple as dumb thinking which can totally ruin the chance to grow as a couple, and rob us of moments of understanding more about each other. And we were relieved to realize that a lot of what we are experiencing is not only normal for most couples at this stage, but it is also an important part of the next step of growing in love. Wow! We also didn’t realize that it’s okay to go through this time and that, if handled with care, it will actually take us to the next level of our relationship and build a stronger love.
At the end of most segments on the cd’s they had something called ‘Check it out’. They’re examples of ‘if the shoe was on the other foot’ situations and how would we feel if it were us? It shared other people’s stories and the solutions, as well as related bible verses.
I’m so glad we got the audio book even though the title seemed too serious and was actually meant for married couples. In listening to these, we learned so much and sooner than later!
We are also reading I Promise by Dr. Gary Smalley, and it too explains that these difficult stages are the crucial moments of the two of us to be real with each other and grow closer as we work on our differences and use them to compliment our life together.
Married or not- at this point, we care deeply about our relationship as many married and unmarried couples do.
We are deepening our love relationship already, just by changing our thinking.
I shouldn’t be surprised, since isn’t that where fixing things begins?  With ourselves?
While listening to these cd’s  we were in awe of how much of this seemed like common sense and seemed so easy to do, but until pointed out, we never considered. The Love of My Life put it like this: these books help us see and understand minor problems and differences in thinking that would severely affect  an otherwise good relationship.
Between this set of cds and the book I promise by, we are realizing that we are at a wonderful stage. We are seeing each other for who we are. We’ve learned that this is a great place for us to be right now. They say that we will bring out the worst in each other and that it’s okay and actually healthy at this point. And that we need to work these things out and go through it , and as long as we are open, communicative, loving and fair when disagreeing and listening, we are and will be okay.
And we are okay, we are better now than we were  in the very beginning of our relationship! And we have actually had many strides we’ve made along the way that we accomplished on our own, and that we can be proud of. Now we are looking forward to many more with the tips in these books.
In the end, I learned that it was more about me that needed fixing than with him, and he learned there was more for him to work on than me. ;) Basically we learned a lot about the amount of control we had on each other, none.
As for our relationship, our goal is to have a strong bond over the long term, and realize how much work the relationship requires. Because even when you have as much in common and as much love as we do, we are human, we are not perfect and need a hand sometimes.
We found so much understanding of what we are going through to be a normal phase of a relationship which will go long term if we omit our stinking thinking, work a little harder to listen to each other more and give, give give.
And at the end of the day, we loved the fact that we can look at each other and know, without a doubt, that we are both committed to do whatever it takes to meet half way and work together to better our relationship, no matter what it takes.
And to confirm the common myth about relationships:
You need way more than just love, you need a lot of elbow grease;)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

How Teachable Are You?

How do you react when somebody tries to show you a different way of doing something?
Do you take a step back and become guarded, or do you lean in and say, ‘tell me more’?
Are you open minded to others ideas and suggestions… or are you stubborn?  
Can you honestly turn to others for help with a problem? Or do you deny that anyone else could know more? Do you resist the possibility of someone else doing something better than you? 
Whether we realize it or not, our level of open mindedness (or,  what I call teachablility) will determine how much we grow. It can even improve or hinder how much we accomplish.
Here is a wonderful example. My significant other taught me how to write a book.
I’ve wanted to write books for years, and one time while we were talking, I expressed how frustrated I was about not getting the book put together. I told him how I have so many ideas and I write them all down, but somehow I can’t ever get all of the information in the same place at once and can’t seem to put it into book form.
As he sat and listened to my frustrations I wondered if he would be able to help. I doubted his ability to relate. He has not written a book, he doesn’t even write, and as a matter of fact, he rarely ever reads non-fiction.  But I listened to him and he shocked me. He actually had several solutions and strategies to help me get started writing that book.
Even though I didn’t think that he would have the slightest idea about how to approach book writing, he surprised me because of the skills he possessed as a person were actually quite relevant to the issue. Within hours I had a plan and some new ideas to try. They worked, and I felt better and more able to reach the goals that I had in mind. I was so grateful that he had shared. (And that I listened.)
Another example is, just tonight, my daughter taught me a trick for rice krispie treats. She showed me how she uses wet hands to smooth the treats into the pan. I’d never done that before. She learned it at school. I thought my way worked fine.  I used a greased spatula and it never failed me.
But, I was excited to learn a new way, because actually, rice krispie treats do sometimes get stuck to the spatula, and it is a pain to get off, then the spatula always bends and I’m afraid it will break.
I know that sometimes we feel like we are the master of our world. We might even occasionally believe we have the experience and the know how to solve all of our own problems. It’s not true. Not nearly. Not one person can do it all or solve it all. That is why there are support groups, master mind groups, books, and teams of researchers, doctors and scientists that work together creating solutions.
There isn’t one person who can do it all on his own. I believe the sooner we come to terms with that the better.
I remember when I finally figured this out. I was recently divorced and had three children at home under the age of eight. I’d always done fairly well at taking care of our household and managing life in general.
I realized during this time, that I could not do it all on my own. I might have been strong, but I certainly was not Super Woman, nor did I have the knowledge to figure it all out myself.
It is a liberating feeling when you can admit this to yourself and let go of control. It is actually easier to live and grow.
I have to say, that sometimes, I still want to think I have it under control and know it all....
Last week, I was part of a narrative performance at church. On our first night of practice on stage I choked. Yep. I froze.
Who would’ve thought that I, Amber Chapman, socialite, complete opposite of shy, previous leader and demonstrator for Partylite Gifts, volunteer teacher for fifth and sixth graders at church, froze! I couldn’t remember my lines, got scared and actually needed cuing by the drama director! OUCH.
That was a humbling and humiliating moment.
I got some advice from several caring people, and at first I was certain some of the ideas weren’t going to help.
Understandably, I was upset with myself. I’d spoken in front of 100+ people before. What happened to me up there?
It didn’t matter what happened. It mattered that, with two days left until the real performance, I get it fixed.  I was the only one who had such a flaw during practice and I needed to realize, that no matter what I thought I could do, this apparently wasn’t something that was going to come easy to me.
I had to be open minded and listen. You know what? I received a piece of advice that proved to be one of the most valuable, and not only did that person share what worked, they shared the exact same experience of thinking that they had a previous perfromance under control, when the same thing happened to them, they flopped.
Two days later the performance went off without a hitch and I was cured of stage fright!
Every person has their own list of experiences that no other person could ever know about. We must realize when we get advice or suggestions, it’s usually from someone who cares enough about us to  share.
And you can trust that they have your best interest at heart.
Don’t ever ignore someone’s help because of who they are, where you think they come from or what you think they don’t know, or WORSE, because you are stubborn, humiliated or frustrated. What they have to share just might surprise you and help you more than you expected.
Respect the time and effort someone is putting in trying to help you, because if they didn’t care, they wouldn’t waste their breath;)
"To accept good advice is but to increase one's own ability"- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Amber
And like Jim Tressel explained in The Winners Manual and Randy Pausch said in The Last Last Lecture: When People stop trying to help you and give you advice and guidance, is when you need to worry.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Opportunity

What is opportunity?
Is it a matter of luck, or do we create it ourselves?
I think opportunity is being open for possibilities. I believe it’s setting yourself up for good things to happen.  I believe that when you make room in your life for the things that you desire, and you practice what you want to do, even before it happens, you will be creating the life and space to welcome even the smallest dreams to come true.
I found my first passion in the fifth grade. It was writing. Then, in 1997, I found my next passion;  parenting.
Then, I wrote on and off from 2001 to 2006, and for those six years I always had dreams of becoming a non-fiction writer and public speaker, but I never did anything about it. I hadn’t done a single thing with my dreams, except file them.
In 2005, I was sad that I never tried to do anything with my ideas. And so I began to write more often and with purpose.
Then in 2007, because I’d been focusing on writing and my goals, I had built up experience and a strong belief in myself. I decided to approach a local newspaper in my home state of Connecticut, and proposed that I write a column based on the trials, tribulations and lessons learned as a divorced mother of three. It would run weekly, I would be a paid writer for the paper, and my column would be complete with email communication between myself and the public. Born was: Life Goes On.
It was a successful column which drew readers from all areas, ages and genders. At the end of Life Goes On, I walked away feeling blessed for the opportunity, and then dreamt again of one day writing for the public.
This time, I did not let go of my dream.
For the last three years I’ve been practicing my craft. I’ve been reading and writing and attending the local writer’s conference. I’ve been researching publications I would like to submit my work to.
I’m keeping my passion alive and I’m always thinking about ways to create opportunities for myself.
In October of this year, I began my Yellow Inspiration blog. Since I started it, I have been dreaming of doing more. I now dream of creating a parenting website and asking others to join hands and hearts to help me do it.
So, it seemed ironic that a couple of weeks ago, while I was reading the paper I noticed an opportunity staring me square in the face.
I seized the moment, wrote an email, hit send, and by Monday, I’d received a positive reply.
Last Thursday was a busy day. At 7:00 I was headed to a networking meeting forty-five minutes away, then back to work where I had a very full day. Later on I had kids to pick up, at different places and at different times, then in the evening we had to go to practice for a church performance. Somewhere in between all those I squeezed in a meeting with the local newspaper to discuss my parenting blog….
…would the opportunity have been there if I hadn’t been looking? What if I didn't believie in my dream? What if I wasn't ready for it or didn't make time?
I started my Yellow Inspiration blog because I knew I needed to give myself the opportunity to learn to blog before I actually needed to know how….low and behold it paid off.
Hang on to your dreams, believe in yourself, and be ready to receive the things you’re seeking.  Set yourself up so that  an open door doesn’t turn into a missed opportunity.
To improve the golden moment of opportunity, and catch the good that is within our reach, is the great art of life.

 Amber
Pay attention...you don't want to miss it!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

It was Christmas in our house last night....

About four hours ago, it was Christmas in our house. The children are exhausted and so are the parents.
We had a wonderful evening that began with participating in the narative, The Voices of Christmas, at church. I am amazed at my children's desire to participate as well as their strength and sacrifice every week, and the past several days practicing. Our first performance went beautifully. Nothing like last nights practice where mommy got stage fright!

My nine and six year olds really inspired me....they didn't miss a beat and supported me and prayed for me when it was my turn.

The kids will be spending Christmas this year with their father in Texas. I will miss them so very much. But that is one of the reason's we had our celebration tonight. We did not want to miss the fun of Christmas just because they won't be here. We wanted to experience it still.

While they are away, Santa will drop off a little something and fill their stockings. (He couldn't make a special trip from the North Pole this early in December.)

I hope that my children learn to improvise, think positive and problem solve. Because instead of waiting, complaining and such, we just really worked hard to work in a special night and time to do our Christmas.
Then, we will celebrate New Years on a special night as well.

Being a family of divorce, we have celebrated many special occassions on the 'off' days. Such as: Mother's Day, Birthdays, Halloween and now Christmas.

To us, it isn't the date matters, it's the company you are with and how you celebrate.
I would imagine that it's similar for those in the service, or whom travel so often and such far distances. Loved ones cannot always be together on the 'nationally declared' holiday, but at least, at some point they will be together.

Any day can be a day of celebration...as long as you're together, that's what matters.

Merry Christmas to my family.. and Happy Saturday to you.

Amber

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Be Yourself

I have a daughter in middle school. (I know. That statement says a lot...)
But, honestly, until now, she’s always been absolutely wonderful. She is a great listener, a terrific role model as an older sister to her two younger siblings, she helps with dinner, obeys house rules (mostly) and she has been content being at the top of her class. She was even excited that her teachers gave me stellar reports at parent teacher conferences and she glowed when her class voted her for student council.
I never pushed her to do any of this. I just taught her right from wrong, instilled good study habits, praised her for good behavior and kept the communication open.
Well… it seems she is up against some peer pressure now, and whether or not it is being purposely imposed on her, or she is afflicting it upon herself, there’s evidence of her feeling like she doesn’t fit in. And she’s getting a bit tired of being ‘good’. (It doesn’t help that kids ‘tell her she’s good’ if you know what I mean.)
Noticing a change in her behavior in the past two weeks and noticing that she was not being the daughter that I knew, I began getting a little more diligent with my follow up on her. I would stop in her room more often, make more conversation with her than usual and check her messages on her cell phone. I found that she was not being herself in her school life either and I think she sensed she was not doing the right thing. Because before I could even sit down to discuss these things with her, she came to me to say that she was not being herself lately, and that she didn’t feel right about it.  She was tearful and said that she was tired of being the good kid. Because, so it seemed, a few kids at school remarked on her behavior and her involvement in class.
I was disappointed about her recent change in attitude and habits, but was glad that she was willing to discuss it with me without waiting for me to come to her (which she inevitably figured I would).
To begin with, I decided to tell my daughter that she was a wonderful kid who really did make the right choices in life and whose teachers really appreciated her.
Then I told her that teachers grow up dreaming of inspiring kids and they work extremely hard all throughout the year to create curriculums that will motivate. But that they also struggle with many students who don’t behave or don’t take school seriously and that she is a gift to her teachers and that she has their respect, and that’s a wonderful thing.
I added; who cares what other kids think about you? If those kids want to skip out on their homework, and purposely get a bad grade, who are they hurting? And does that make them cool? No, it makes them uncool. They are purposely ruining their chances of having more in life, and so why would you want to join them?
I wanted to take this a few steps further, because I felt that it was important for her to understand this within herself. So, I asked her to make a list.
On one side of a sheet of paper I had her write things down about who/what she was about when she was being herself.  She wrote: kind, caring, hardworking, good student who participates in class, respectful, helpful, and a good role model for her sister and brother.
On the other side, I asked her to list the ‘other ways’ she was being lately.  She listed: rude, not listening, talking in class and more.
Next to each thing, I made her think about, and write down, how she felt when she was doing these things. Predictably, she had bad feelings written next to each bad behavior and good feelings next to each good behavior.
Lastly, I made her write at the top of each list, on a scale of one to ten,  (one being low, ten being high) what her self esteem was when she was not being herself and when she was being herself.
 After asking if there were negatives on the imaginary scale, she listed a -3 on the bad side of the paper and a 10+ on the good side. Wow! What a difference.
Together we talked about how it feels to act like someone other than ourselves and why we do not always follow our own voice. We also discussed that by acting badly, the one we end up hurting most is our self. (Ruining our self-esteem and messing up our goals and plans.)
Since kids always seem to think that they are the only ones dealing with tough issues, I tried to relate to my daughter by explaining that sometimes even adults tease or pressure one another. Most times this can be because they may be jealous, unhappy or don’t want to be alone in an act, so they want you to join them.  I told her that someone that picks on anyone else for being themselves, is a bully…and it wouldn’t matter if her hair were curly, blonde or she got bad grades, (which are all the opposite of her),  there would be some kid, somewhere, would find something wrong with her.
She looked somewhat surprised and disappointed.
Unfortunately, this is the way it is. There are people everywhere, at every age, who are not happy with themselves. And they just don’t know who they are, or who they want to be.  And while they are struggling to exist, i.e., ‘fit in’, they work on tearing others’ down because it makes them feel better.
For someone who is discontent with themselves, they aren’t able to behave in ways that build others up. They are unable to care and understand. They have trouble fighting fair (meaning they deny everything they do wrong and they make excuses.) When they behave this way they feel better, and you do not. They also think they look better, since inevitably they never notice they are wrong.
This, I’m afraid, is not helping to make the world a better place.
So, how do you become yourself, and be happy with yourself, at any age?
I have hundreds of things to suggest, but I will start with just a few:
1.       Listen to your gut. Your gut is your inner voice, the one who knows you best.
2.       Do your own thing, regardless of what ‘everyone else’ is doing.
3.       Don’t go along with it just because everyone else is; make sure that if you engage in activities and discussions, that they actually resonate, with who you are and what you stand for.
4.       If it doesn’t feel right stop
5.       If you don’t like it, don’t do it
6.       Write down what makes you feel good about yourself.
7.       Don’t avoid doing what you want or need to do because you are concerned how someone else will view you and what someone else will say.
8.       Ask yourself what you like and what you don’t.
9.       Don’t do things because people ‘want’ you too.
10.   Pick your own path
11.   DON’T do things just to fit in!!!!!!!
12.   MAKE A MISSION STATEMENT
13.   Have GOALS
Why are these things important?
This beginning list is important because we are sometimes so busy doing what we think we should be doing, and doing what other people would like us to do, that we never take time to find out what we would really like to do, or who we really are.
What does it mean to be yourself?  Well, to start, just listen to your heart.
Today, find one thing that you are doing that does not resonate with you and who you are.
Then stop doing it forever!!
Be Yourself and have a Wonderful Day! J

Monday, December 6, 2010

Love

Today, I blow dried a Kitty.
Not a real kitty, my son’s stuffed Kitty. But I blow dried it none the less.
While making dinner, my son was helping to set the table, and when he opened the drawer where we keep the place mats, he dropped his kitty into our real cat’s water bowl.
He froze, moaned and then looked at me. He seemed so desperate. He just had this stare as if to say, ‘HELP!’.
I scooted over to him, took Kitty and shook him off over the sink. Then I squeezed his paws into a clean dish towel.
To me, that was not enough for poor Kitty. He was hurt, he fell and he was all wet and dirty.
So Mommy said that Kitty needed some more help. We cradled Kitty in the dish towel and took him to the bathroom and laid him on the counter. As I proceeded to pull out the blow dryer from underneath the sink, my son’s eyes got really big and he said, ‘Oh no! What are you going to do?!’.
I shook my head and said, ‘Well…his paws are still pretty wet…we’re going to have to blow dry him’. I diligently rubbed and blew dry all four of Kitty’s paws. 

In five minutes, Kitty was dry. My son had giggled the whole time, I even laughed a little. I then handed Kitty over to him; they were off and running as if it had never happened.
It was both tragic but cute. Kitty is so important to my son. He takes Kitty everywhere;  to breakfast, to watch a movie and takes Kitty to his Dad’s. When you have an attachment like that to something, it’s scary and sad for a little kid to think of something bad happening to it, and worse, something bad happening to it and someone not understanding how much it means to you to make it all better and save it.
I wanted to make it somewhat of a big deal that Kitty fell in the water and needed blow drying, because I think it showed my son that I cared for Kitty just as much as he did. I wanted him to see that I understood.
As a parent, some things may not seem as trivial to us, as they are to our children. And they may happen at such inconvenient times. But we need to look at things through their eyes. If we consider it from their point of view we are better able to relate to them. In the end they feel validated; i.e., Loved.
Over the years, I have very carefully and patiently hand washed hazelnut coffee off of a non-machine-washable stuffed Lamby and sewn her smile back on twice. I have sewn and re-sewn and patched, Soft Blankie. I have, time and again, trimmed and tied into knots Blue and Yellow from fraying.
I have also, at eight months pregnant, gone to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night to replace a two-day-old-goldfish for my three year old, just so in the morning, she would not cry.
The things we do for someone when we love them is just amazing, and it's not just parents who will go out of their way for a loved one.
When we really truly love someone, we will go to the ends of the earth to protect them from being hurt or to help them feel better. Equally, we will go to great lengths to prove we understand them and feel for them.
Having empathy and compassion is a major component in love.
It's also the motivating factor behind how far we will go to save our loved one from pain.

Understanding how someone feels, i.e., validating them, preserves their emotional well-being, which is essential to them feeling loved and have the ability to trust.
I understood how my son felt, and I was able to go the extra mile help him feel like I really loved him, and his Kitty. In the end he feels very special and trusts that I understand and love him, all because I blow dried his Kitty.

Now  if Kitty fell in the toilet, my son and I would have to have a talk….but he didn't, he just got a little wet.....thank goodness.

Kitty feels better now that he's dry....so does my son:)
Amber

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A Family Dinner Tradition

Years ago, I read in a popular parenting magazine, about a family dinner tradition, where every evening at the dinner table this family shared the good and bad things that happened to each of them during the course of their day. I read it in a doctor’s office somewhere, took the idea home that night and began using it.
Every evening when we sit down to eat dinner together we take turns sharing our good and bad things, no matter if we are rushing off to an event afterwards, or not. My family is so used to this tradition that we could be traveling, sitting in a restaurant eating, and all of a sudden one of the younger children will turn to the family and say, ‘OK! Who wants to start?’ They even bring it out when we have company…of course they allow our guest to go first with their good thing.
The good and bad things always lead us into other conversations, and we end up realizing some really nice things about one another. It creates opportunities to talk. We all know how kids can give one word answers like: Yep, Fine, No, Yes, Okay, and the infamous three word answer to everything: I don’t know. Kids don’t always like to talk. They need help to find things to talk about. This is a great way to open kids up and get to know them.
I like to try different things, so, during the week of Thanksgiving I asked the children to add in what they were thankful for, and the responses were beautiful. They were thankful for God, food, a stable routine, school, love and health.
Early on in the tradition I added: learning, funny and random acts of kindness.  It takes time, depending on how large your family is, but it makes everyone feel important and it brings us closer together. You learn about your children’s day, really find out what they have learned, and even how they may have endured something difficult.
Sometimes when the bad things are shared, the kids sometimes realize that the bad thing flipped positively, can be a good thing. When they have done something embarrassing and it’s their bad thing and they admit to it, it helps the child learn that it’s ok, everyone still loves you…and when grownups mess up and share their mistakes, it lets the kids know that we aren’t perfect and they tend to learn empathy.
Looking each other in the eyes every night, taking time to enjoy a wonderful meal together, having no other choice but to sit still and listen to one another, keeps everyone connected in an ever increasing, fast paced, high tech world. (As long as we leave our cell-phones away from the table;)
It’s our way of taking a family time-out.


Tuesday, November 30, 2010

When the Pain is Great Enough

I did a ton of traveling this week back and forth from Ohio to Tennessee.
It’s about a 10.5 hr drive one way, if you don’t stop but to pee a couple of times.
I did this trip twice during the week of Thanksgiving. And that’s a lot of time sharing the road with others.
I love to drive. I always have. I enjoy the scenery, the time in the car to think and I also like the challenge that driving can bring.
Driving can be a risky business. It requires mindfulness, not to mention the mindfulness of others. It’s definitely a ‘thinkers’ sport.
As I drove, I thought a lot about how the fastest travelers, and the majority of travelers, were not always the best at their sport.
It seemed as if they were robots, with their gas pedals flat to the floor. Many had no rules, no plan, and no sense of how to avoid an accident.
Personally, I like to leave a space of 1 to 2 cars in front of me, in case someone stops quickly, I will have the opportunity to apply the brakes without A)losing control of my vehicle, B) hitting someone in front of me, or C) giving my passengers, or myself, whiplash. I also happen to like the control and sense of security it allows me, because when I see things up ahead, I have the freedom of slowing down without slamming my brakes on and turning the car line behind me into a panicked frenzy of squealing tires, thus worrying about being rear ended and scaring the rest of the roadway and myself.
Here we were, a group of about 35 cars driving on the highway, all doing about 70mph (the speed limit is 70 in many parts of Tennessee) and people are cramming themselves so far up each other’s bumpers, that if just one guy in the group slammed his brakes on, they all had no place to go but into each other and the median.
Smooth and uneventful, thus far, I did not expect it to last. Traffic up ahead began to slow down and the line of cars behind us were obviously starting to get very impatient.  
I could see, that although the majority of these people saw traffic slowing, they were not easing off. And,  if they saw brake lights, just kept on with their pace. Shockingly, no matter how many times they slammed on the brakes to avoid an accident, they kept following the same path, using the same driving habits. They would tailgate someone who was tailgating someone, who was also tailgating yet another someone! At one point I witnessed the same car slam its brakes on, slide into the grass median to avoid rear ending someone, just to do it again in less than five minutes. Unbelievably it happened a third time.  There were plenty of other people joining in this.
I wondered if they were blind. Weren’t they awake when they were involved in near-pile up?  Why would they put themselves in a position to let that happen again? Why would they put themselves in danger, as well as everyone else around them!?
It didn’t make any sense to me.
So, as I witnessed this pattern in traffic, and saw people’s behavior, I thought about how they could travel like that. How could they not leave much room for err, and then make the same mistake over and over. Not only that, but they kept on making the same error, repeatedly, without learning their lesson.
It made me wonder why sometimes it takes us longer to learn, than others.
My friend used to always say, ‘when the pain is great enough, you’ll change’. And she said that about anyone who seemed reluctant to change, or who was too stubborn to admit that they even had a problem that might need fixing.
I assumed that maybe these folks have been traveling like that, on the road, and in life, the same way for years, without much repercussion and so they don’t see the need to change. Nothing’s broken, nothing to fix.
Until, of course, they end up in an ugly pile of metal in the middle of a median. Then I guess that will be their ‘aha moment’ (another term my friend used to use a lot).
I am no angel. I have gotten stopped for speeding multiple times in multiple cars since I started driving. I have made numerous ‘donations’ to the American Cancer Society and paid multiple fines to the courts. But, I have never once pled not-guilty. I was speeding, I knew it was wrong and I paid the price.
I have to say that I am very thankful that the price was never so costly that I did not get a chance to wake up out of my stupor to realize that speeding wasn’t the best thing to do.
Finally one day…the pain was great enough for me to make a change. I was yet paying for another ticket I did not have money for, I was losing a half day of work to stand in line to see the judge-which I never had to do before, and had the embarrassment of getting my first speeding ticket with my children in the car (Shame, shame on me…The judge was not happy with me and I was definitely the topic of talk at the dinner table that night with my kids).
Now…. my lead-foot has retired and my right brain is working. My foot always knows the speed limit without even looking at the speedometer, and my mind checks on my foot, just in case ;)
Change is tough. Habits are hard to break. But there’s never a time that the warning signs are not there, to let us know that we are making a mistake.
I’ve had my warnings. For the past 21 years I have had warnings that I speed and that I should stop.
But, hand it to Ohio to break me of my habit. They do not fool around out here, they are much different than  Connecticut;) My first ticket in Ohio was at midnight, in October of 2007, on 271, with my truck packed with the very last items I was bringing from my move out of my house in Connecticut to my apartment here. No mercy. ‘Have a nice night and welcome to Ohio’. Oi.
I was a speeder from way back, I think Ohio did their job. Touché. And thank you, I'm glad the pain was great enough.
The point is, we all make errors. We sometimes do it and it’s an ‘oopsy’. Then we do it again and it’s not quite an oopsy. Eventually, we continue doing the wrong thing. And in life, like on the roads, we can tend to ignore the signs for a while before the pain is great enough and we finally decide to change.
Try to take a few moments to think about what might not be working for you. Are there any repeat occurrences in your life that keep needling at you? Something you keep doing which tends to bring those not-so-desirable results? Maybe someone’s trying to tell you something.
My recommendation: Don’t wait until the pain is great enough.
It’s much cheaper and a whole lot less painful when you have the freedom to choose to correct it now, instead of being forced to correct it later.
Ask me how I know ;)

"You have to stop to change direction." Eric Fromm

Amber

Saturday, November 27, 2010

It Is What It Is

I’ve got a motto…
’It is what it is’.
That usually works in most situations.
I mean, think about it. How much control do we really have on the world?
Well, it depends on what we’re talking about.
Life can throw us some curveballs. And we cannot always be ready for every single one, no matter how much we prepare for 'life'. (I’m a planner, if you haven’t noticed.)
But years of getting curveballs has taught me this: While I may not have control over what happens, I do have control over what I think, how I feel and how I act. And in the end, no one has responsibility for that except for me. Whether I am acting or reacting, it is all about me.
Don’t confuse ‘It’s all about me’ with, ‘boo hoo, something horrible has happened and oooohhh you don’t understand, don’t you feel sorry for me?’.
The ‘all about me part’ is this: ‘No matter what is going on around me, I am in control of myself, my words and my actions, and I will have no one to blame or look to but myself regarding how I think or feel about them. Correct. I do not have control over some of the situations, but I will always have the power to control how I respond to them.
Do I like schedules that change? Nope.
Do I like the courts particular decisions on some things? Not at allllll.
Do I like the weather every day of the week? No, not always.
Do I like how the Browns lose so often? Ummmmm..@*&$  NO!!!!!!
Do I have any control over these things? Not even remotely.
If I HAD control… I’d tell my significant other’s work that their time frame of distributing the schedule sucks, I’d tell the court it’s absurd for Thanksgiving to work out like this every year, I’d tell Mother Nature that the weather sucks in November and March, and I’d tell Coach Mangini ‘don’t ever put in another quarter back other than Colt McCoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
But, I can’t do that. And even if I did, it wouldn’t matter.
I have always seemed to have a short temper, or enjoyed getting mad. I haven’t figured out which.
But, regardless, it has never been productive. So, last month, I decided that anger wasn’t an emotion that I wanted to participate in. Ha! Yes.. that was my epiphany. Thank you.
While I am not proud of how many years it has taken me to realize this, I am proud that I finally have realized it.
Life is full of learning and I I’ve always said, from the day we are born to the day we die, we will learn something new. There is no predetermined time frame for when  we learn  what we learn, just whether we finally learn it, or not, is the important thing.
I can’t solve a single thing by being angry, period.
I can yell at the T.V., complain to co-workers, and yell at my significant other, but none of it I is going to help. It is what it is, and it’s out of my control.
So now… I’m happy knowing that I have a calm that envelopes me and my emotions because I know that I cannot control the world, people, or the things that happen to me…but that I CAN control ME and how I behave. And that I can be at peace when I am being peaceful.
I know that I mention the Last Lecture often in my blogs. It’s because it truly resonates with me. I heard about Randy’s story a couple of years before he died, and before the book actually came out. I had hoped that he would be one of those people who could put it all into perspective. (I’ve always had a belief that those who have a limited time will be the ones who tell us what really matters.) And he did.
I gained a certain respect and perspective, listening to someone speak, who was left with an unexpected (and short) time-frame in which to live, as Randy Pausch was. He told us that with small children, a perfect wife and a life full of prosperity, and a future full of dreams, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and had a choice of how to react. Die the day of the diagnosis, or live while dying?  It’s all in how we handle what we are given.
I believe that we should not wait, but live with purpose and gratefulness always, while we are living.
Thank you to Randy Pausch for spending his last months pouring out his heart and soul, to tell us what really matters. Thank you to his wife, family and friends who admired his purpose and goals. Reading his book changed my life and I would be shocked if it didn’t change others.
I am about to embark on another long trip to retrieve the greatest gifts in my life. I hope your Thanksgiving was joyful. Enjoy today and share with those you love, what you are grateful for.
And act accordingly.

A cloudy sky doesn't mean you have to have a cloudy attitude.
Amber