Y.I. Wednesday: Y.I. Think Road Rage is Personal

Merging on or off of the highway can be a very good visual for how well some people work with others.

They don't.

How often have you attempted to get over a lane or two and found it nearly impossible to catch a break by the cars in that lane?

How often have you been driving along and out of nowhere comes a car who's responsibility it was to yield before merging, but instead just barreled into your lane?

I think this is a really good example of how some people just don't play well with others.

I've always wondered why that is...

Last week, I was traveling back from a meeting and witnessed some ridiculous road rage.

1. The blue car next to me was going along...
2. A red car put it's blinker on to get into the right lane...
3. Plenty of space, plenty of time for the blue car to allow the red car to slip into the lane without disruption....

What does the blue car do? 

Speed up once the red car has almost completed her lane change.


What does the red car do?

She slams her brakes on. (Kinda serves him right. Right?- That's what she thought.)

Why did he allow her the space, then decide he wasn't interested in being nice?

Why did either one of them decide to act this way?

I think they take the whole thing a little too personally.

Just like when someone cuts you off because you were in their blind spot and you get mad at them for 'cutting YOU off!'.

It's not about hurting you, slighting you or short changing you...

It's usually about them. We just make it about us.

Remember to yield before you merge, think before you get angry...and give grace and mercy to those who are human; just like us.

Y.I. Wednesday: Why I Write (And Why You Should Too)

My Current Journal - A holiday gift last year and a place where  I write my goals and notes.

I write a lot.

I always have.

I actually still have a journal from age twelve. It's not the most beautiful thing in the world. Red, with a little, warn, brass lock and key...tattered binding and scribbled pages. It's here in my house somewhere...a closet maybe...and it might not be that important to me now, but that diary was my salvation when I was a teen.

I didn't feel like I could talk to my parents, and I had to get stuff out, so I wrote.

Journaling became my saving grace when I was an adult, too.

Going through tough times in my marriage/divorce with my 'X', I wrote like a fiend -and yes- I still have those journals too (they are buried and I have no plans of re-reading them...- well maybe I will prior to burning them someday-) they saved me. I had people to talk to then, including a therapist, but there was still so much that just spilled over. It had to go somewhere.

Since those days, I've had three children who need my time and as a busy parent I cannot always journal my thoughts and ideas, but I still write. Most of it is here, or my other two blogs, and in my parenting-book-to-be and my family column.

My writing seems as if it's transformed now, and is more for others than for me. The topics I choose to write about are things I hope others will benefit from...and I consider what others might be coping with or striving to do, though I almost always include something personal and of my own experience.

Visit all of the blogs that are being written now. Many of them are regular people who want to make sense of the world around them and want to share their beliefs and perspectives, as well as a little of their personality.

If you think about it, writing is a very intimate thing.

Hand writing (back in the day) was even more personal, and seems as if it is becoming extinct. (Cursive writing might possibly be phased out of schools.) This is sad, because someones handwriting cannot be duplicated, and no two people will ever think exactly alike or describe something the same way. Not only can you connect with someone from the past when they have died, but you can sort out your own life by writing.

Here are three ways that writing can help you too:

• Journaling can be therapeutic. At times when you do not understand something, it's good to write out the question... Read it and re-read it to yourself...sometimes you'll come up with the answer immediately. (That is usually your gut instinct talking to you.)

• When you're upset, journaling about it, or writing an angry letter (that you never intend to mail) can be an excellent way to channel anger - leaving you refreshed and calm. This is the wisest way to work out aggressive thoughts because it gets it all out of your head without making the mistake of saying something you will regret later. 

• Writing down goals, journaling dreams, making plans in ink....all make things real.

• Problems become easier to break down when they are written out. It's also easier to dissect them to find out if A) they are really that big of a deal, B) how to tackle them.

• It can help your children learn more about you. If you leave a very personal connection behind for your family to read. (The book stores and Amazon are full of these types of journals where all you have to do is fill in the blanks with your answers.)

From experience, all of these things work. Many people will claim they despise writing. Those are the ones who should try it. 

Get out a piece of paper and pen, and just start jotting down some thoughts. 

There are many ways to express yourself...try writing...you might be surprised about what you find.

What Does It Mean to Reinvent Yourself

Many of the best of companies, car makers and entertainers have reinvented themselves.

Sometimes they are referred to as 'sell-outs', other times they're respected.

I consider them smart.

Bon Jovi was one who reinvented himselve. When he realized that the big hair bands of the 80's were not the way of the world anymore, he lopped off his locks, versed some new hits and is a success today because he evolved.

Everyone needs to renew themselves from time to time and since change is inevitable, the sooner we realize it, the smoother the transition will be.

Here are a list of people who've reinvented themselves successfully (sometimes more than once):

According to Don't Drink the Koolaid:
Michael Jackson reinvented himself 42 times
Apple – We at Bailey Gardiner are creative people. What would we do without our Macs? Apple started a revolution in the 70’s when it first launched its brand. Skip past a few years of failed reinvention attempts… fast forward through the launch of the iMac … which takes us to present day in which Apple has a unique reputation for creating shiny products with an aesthetically-pleasing design, like the iPhone, iPod and Macbook.  I like the shiny.
Gucci – Tom Ford joined Gucci in 1990 when the company was on the brink of liquidation. As the company’s creative director, Tom Ford transformed and saved the brand. He revived the double G logo and added gloss and glamour to change fashion history.

Check out these sites (life just might be trying to tell you you could use a change):

An Funny but Inspiring Look at Reinvention

5 Easy Steps to Reinventing Yourself

Reboot Yourself

'Pursuit of Happyness': Chris Gardner gives tips for success

Surnames After The Wedding

So he wants me to take his name. 

I will be his wife, so should I blame him? 

I guess I don't but as an independent woman I feel frustrated having to explain myself about not being eager to give up my own surname. 

I love him and  will be completely honored to be his wife, as I would be honored to take his name; that isn’t really the question.

The question is: Do I want it Ala carte? Or do I prefer to hyphenate?

He has a very nice name: Davis.

I  have a very nice name as well: Chapman.

Maybe it’s a man thing. Maybe they feel insulted if you say no.

Or maybe it’s a woman thing; we don’t want to lose our independence and identity.

I took my first husband’s name, and frankly, I did not want to.

At 22, when we were newly engaged, I told him so.

He wasn’t thrilled, and I received some big rant about women's-lib-this-and-women’s-lib-that, followed by some swear words.

I took his name.

And I always regretted it.

I didn’t regret it because I thought the name wasn’t lovely: Gluck. (It’s not really lovely.)

But, I actually regretted it because even after I knew how I felt and said how I felt, I went ahead and changed my name anyways.

Tell me it was because I was young…and not because back then I was a pushover. I certainly didn’t start out as one.

I'd like to think that I did it out of respect. But now looking back, what about some respect for me? And for what I wanted?

I suppose that wasn't important to either of us...

Fast forward 11 years later; I was divorced, with a last name I never wanted, and decided to hang on to it for the kids’ sake. Then finally- I had to shake it….

And so now here I go again, down the aisle of matrimony, and naturally I’m faced with the same question: 

To take his name or not? And if I do, in what form do I do it?

I think Davis is a lovely name.

And no doubt, Amber Davis sounds lovely as well.

Though Amber Chapman is who I am; it’s who I’ve been. It’s who I’ve become.

There are so many different opinions on this name-change business.

This is my second marriage; I changed my name against my own discretion for my first husband, and now my second husband would like me to take his name.

Should I go a la carte or a combination of the two? 

Tell me what you think...

Truly,

Amber 
(Chapman, Davis, or Chapman-Davis?)

I will always write by the name Amber J. Chapman- at least he understands that part;)

FU on Grace

Today was not a very graceful day…maybe it has something to do with the chocolate….

Anyway, I swore, (and I’ve vowed to stop that) I yelled out loud in my car at another driver on the road and I pouted at the end of the day.

I’ve been struggling a little bit with My One Word…and that is why I’ve decided to do a little FU on Grace…

Follow up, that is.

I’m not perfect, heck, that’s why I’m using Grace  as My One Word this year; to help me practice being Graceful in all aspects of my life….

HA!!!!

If I had picked kindness, compassion, or charity, there’d be no problem…

Or, if I chose humbleness, strength, or maybe humor, I’d say again, NO problem,  ‘I got this’…. 

But, if I had, it’d be too easy.

So, I picked Grace

…Ugh…

I picked Grace because I felt that I needed reminding sometimes. I needed a cue to force me to display patience when I didn’t want to, and give forgiveness when I should but can’t. 

It sounded like a great idea!

I really don’t do long lists of New Year’s Resolutions anymore and I thought choosing a word to live by for 12 months would be fun!

Yeah, no, it’s hard.

I definitely don’t want to discourage anyone from doing it. I just advise you be prepared.

‘This ain’t no picnic Boo Boo.’

It’s biting your tongue, holding your breath, counting to ten, and sometimes just walking away.

It’s seeing someone for good, rather than bad. Viewing things from other people’s perspectives. It’s taking time to reel yourself in and think about what you do and why you do it.

The good thing about My One Word is I never feel discouraged so much that I want to quit it. Since this type of resolution is one that is just between me (well.. and now you..) and myself. I know that if I get it wrong today, I will learn something from it and then get back on track tomorrow with practicing Grace.

If you’d like to try doing what I am doing, visit this site, it is one of my favorites and it’s where I got this idea.

My One Word:

http://myoneword.org/choose/

On this site you can do an exercise or two. You can also read some inspirational stories and take a few minutes to gain insight into yourself, who you want to be and where you want to go. 

Or… you could just get frustrated trying to live by One Word …LIKE ME!!

If you visit the site or choose your own One Word, please come back and share with me what you thought and/or what One Word you chose.

Tomorrow is another day….

Hopefully it will be GRACEFUL.

 

Truly

Amber

Time Is On Your Side

I used to think that time was my enemy. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick….tock.

The seconds, minutes and hours continuously counting down…

It always seemed as if the clock next to me was forever pressuring me to make a decision, accomplish something or be somewhere.

I was constantly in a race with time to get to where I wanted to be; literally and figuratively.

But I’ve noticed that time can also work the opposite way as well.

When we are waiting in line for something, how many of us feel that time just doesn’t go by quick enough?

And how about when we’re in pain? Doesn’t it always feel like the moment will never pass?

I distinctly recall a time where I went through something like that.

I was sitting in my kitchen, crying my eyes out. I was still living in Connecticut and had recently divorced.

I had done it! I had divorced my husband. I had gone back to work after being a stay at home mom for two years. I had successfully made it through a one year battle to finish the legal part of the divorce and I was happy! So why was so petrified?

Because I felt like the clock of life was going too fast.

That night in my kitchen, five years ago, I panicked about now. It seems silly, but I really did fret about today. 

The divorce was final and I was free. But I heard the tick tock of the clock and worried about where I would be and what I would be doing in several years.

So, here I am; it is February of 2011 and it has been 5 years since my divorce and what I realized was that time was never my enemy…time was always my friend.

Time was a tool. Patience and faith was the key.

I am right where I am supposed to be. And I have been on a wonderful journey.

I successfully found work in Ohio, I relocated with my three children, I won custody, I’m writing again and now I’m getting married to the love of my life.

These are all good things… and none of which would have happened without time.

If I was hasty for results and too quick to arrive somewhere, I would have made lots of devastating mistakes.

See, when we are patient, we give ourselves the necessary opportunities we require to become who we are meant to be... as well as where we are meant to arrive…

Our destiny if you will.

Time can help us in other ways too.

In every day events time can help tame a tongue, encourage us to think before we make a decision, and has proven to help us make smarter purchases (when we wait a week or two to buy something we can’t live without…we end up not buying it at all…because time taught us that we don’t really ‘need’ it).

Time can create stronger relationships and heal broken hearts.

Time is not against us, it's actually our friend.

So, the next occasion when you feel pressured by the tick tock of the nasty clock…look at it and smile.

Time is a Gift, Use it Wisely

Be thankful that you have that extra time to say you’re sorry, change your mind, grow as a person or fix a mistake.

Truly,

Amber

A Classic

My father came to stay with our family this summer. We spent a week of doing fun things with the kids. One of the places we took him was a car museum. I pass by it almost every day and had not yet visited it.

I didn’t know  exactly what to expect. I figured, at a place with Speed in its name, we’d find a ton of fast cars. I was very excited to go; I love cars and so does my dad.

After walking around a while, at the museum, I noticed that there weren’t only fast cars, but some serious classic cars on display. Some of them were around when my grandparents were very young. Others cars my father owned at one time or another. ‘How neat!’, I thought.

It was neat alright, until, at the end of our visit, I found my old car.

UGH!! MY car in a MUSEUM!!!??? I was shocked, and said so, out loud! My children, all three of them, carried on through the museum with no regard what-so-ever.  They didn’t get it. Mom was 37 and her car is in a museum…they saw nothing wrong with it.

Walking through the aisles of cars, I kept doing the math, since I really thought it was silly that a car I used to own was on display in a museum…as a classic. ‘Is that car really a classic? Is that car really that old? What year was that?’ I mean, I didn’t buy the car as a classic. It was used, it was seven years old when I got it. Am I really that old?

No matter how I added it up, the numbers did not lie.  My car, the one I thought was the cat’s meow of a sports car when I was 19; a 5 speed with t-tops and bucket seats was now sitting in a museum, it was 23 years old, and considered a classic in most states.  

I never was the type to care about aging before. But today, I sort of felt a little uneasy. Honestly, around my birthday, I usually enjoy being a year older. It didn't bother me how old I was and  would tell friends, ‘you couldn’t pay me to go back to being younger again’. Not after how each year I grow and overcome obstacles, correct mistakes, improve on my weaknesses and find new strengths. I loved aging….until of course I found my car in a classic car museum.  

Looking back, I don’t know what the big deal was, it was just a car, in a museum. 

But last week, I found out that the car-in-the-museum-thing was just a small taste of what was to come, a preparation of sorts. Because,on Halloween, I realized it was my 21^st anniversary of getting my driver’s license. Then one night I woke up at 4 a.m. sweating (when I’m usually a freeze baby). And the other day, I found a gray hair while getting ready for work….ssshhhh, don’t tell anyone…I pulled it out.

No, I should not have been bothered by my car being labeled a classic and put into a museum…because I had a bigger set of things lurking in the shadows to remind me that I was getting older.

You know, though, this could be okay. I mean, wine is better with age, right? And so is cheese. Besides, what's wrong with being a classic? Yes, YES! Aging is a good thing!

Change

A friend once told me, that two things you can be sure of are death and taxes. Another is change.

Today, the weather is changing, again. The fall leaves are not yet completely off the trees and we have our first snow in Ohio.

It’s beautiful to me. I love it and I embrace the difference of the seasons (hence, why I made a geographical move laterally, relocating from Connecticut to Ohio three years ago, when I had an opportunity to move south).

Change is inevitable. I think most of the time, once comfortable, we’d prefer no change whatsoever. When something’s working, why change? Similarly, we wish that the good times would last, the warm weather would stay longer and relationships would freeze in the ideal romantic moments. But they can’t.

Take ourselves, for example. If things are comfortable, why seek anything else? Things are working out, so why change?

I love to persue self-understanding and personal growth. I believe that although we all have our own knowledge, perspective and outlooks we should be open-minded to different ones. We should be open to change.

If we are, we will actually see ourselves and our abilities grow to amazing capacitie. We will seek new heights and may surprise ourselves with what we can accomplish and who we can become.

I feel that on the other hand, being close-minded to change, can lead us to become stagnant. We can be so set in our ways and habits we will ultimately limit our abilities to succeed at greater levels and grow as a person.

Granted the top reasons for close-mindedness tend to be ignorance and fear; just not understanding or wanting to understand new ideas or concepts and the fear of the work that might be involved.

Acceptance of circumstances and settling for what the situation is, can also prevent change.  We just assume we can’t change, and that change would be too difficult to achieve; downright nearly impossible. So, it is what it is.

But, if we only take a look at things with new eyes, be curious and investigate new ideas, face the fear and come out of our comfort zone, we will expand our perspective and our potential!

I feel passionate about what people can do when they embrace change. Make a goal to try something new this week, take on a different perspective or ask a new question. Challenge yourself to think. You might find change isn’t such a bad thing;) and that it may just open some doors.

Don’t forget to set the clocks back tonight and look forward to change.