Y.I. Wednesday: Why I Write (And Why You Should Too)

My Current Journal - A holiday gift last year and a place where  I write my goals and notes.

I write a lot.

I always have.

I actually still have a journal from age twelve. It's not the most beautiful thing in the world. Red, with a little, warn, brass lock and key...tattered binding and scribbled pages. It's here in my house somewhere...a closet maybe...and it might not be that important to me now, but that diary was my salvation when I was a teen.

I didn't feel like I could talk to my parents, and I had to get stuff out, so I wrote.

Journaling became my saving grace when I was an adult, too.

Going through tough times in my marriage/divorce with my 'X', I wrote like a fiend -and yes- I still have those journals too (they are buried and I have no plans of re-reading them...- well maybe I will prior to burning them someday-) they saved me. I had people to talk to then, including a therapist, but there was still so much that just spilled over. It had to go somewhere.

Since those days, I've had three children who need my time and as a busy parent I cannot always journal my thoughts and ideas, but I still write. Most of it is here, or my other two blogs, and in my parenting-book-to-be and my family column.

My writing seems as if it's transformed now, and is more for others than for me. The topics I choose to write about are things I hope others will benefit from...and I consider what others might be coping with or striving to do, though I almost always include something personal and of my own experience.

Visit all of the blogs that are being written now. Many of them are regular people who want to make sense of the world around them and want to share their beliefs and perspectives, as well as a little of their personality.

If you think about it, writing is a very intimate thing.

Hand writing (back in the day) was even more personal, and seems as if it is becoming extinct. (Cursive writing might possibly be phased out of schools.) This is sad, because someones handwriting cannot be duplicated, and no two people will ever think exactly alike or describe something the same way. Not only can you connect with someone from the past when they have died, but you can sort out your own life by writing.

Here are three ways that writing can help you too:

• Journaling can be therapeutic. At times when you do not understand something, it's good to write out the question... Read it and re-read it to yourself...sometimes you'll come up with the answer immediately. (That is usually your gut instinct talking to you.)

• When you're upset, journaling about it, or writing an angry letter (that you never intend to mail) can be an excellent way to channel anger - leaving you refreshed and calm. This is the wisest way to work out aggressive thoughts because it gets it all out of your head without making the mistake of saying something you will regret later. 

• Writing down goals, journaling dreams, making plans in ink....all make things real.

• Problems become easier to break down when they are written out. It's also easier to dissect them to find out if A) they are really that big of a deal, B) how to tackle them.

• It can help your children learn more about you. If you leave a very personal connection behind for your family to read. (The book stores and Amazon are full of these types of journals where all you have to do is fill in the blanks with your answers.)

From experience, all of these things work. Many people will claim they despise writing. Those are the ones who should try it. 

Get out a piece of paper and pen, and just start jotting down some thoughts. 

There are many ways to express yourself...try writing...you might be surprised about what you find.

Y.I. Wednesday: Why I Don't Have Many Friends

I really have to say I don't think I have many friends.

Okay, maybe that came out wrong.

I have not had many 'good' friends.

Wait, that isn't quite what I mean either.

Let me try again:

Over the years, I've only had a few really close genuine friends.

Ah, that's better.

So, why do you suppose this is?

It might be because I'm a very busy mother. Many can relate to that...

It could be because I am not very friendly...ummmm, uh uh, that's surely not it.

Hey, I know! It might be because I'm a jerk! Nah, I've already said that I'm not a jerk...

So, if it's not any of those things...I have to wonder, it it's because 'I call it like I see it'.

Do you know how many people in the world would actually prefer you tell them what they want to hear, rather than what they need to hear? (I don't know the number either, but I'm betting it's a lot!)

I've never been a sugar coater. I like to ask thought provoking questions and give people my honest opinion (if they ask for it first, of course, otherwise that's just rude...).

Here's an example of the shoe being on the other foot: (Mine actually)

The other day, I called a couple of my friends for some advice. One of them was my father. (Yes, even after my turbulent angry teen years, I consider my dad my friend.)

I can tell my dad anything, and that man will, well...'tell me like he see's it'. (Gulp)

Never for a second does he entertain any idea that my brain comes up with, if... he sees a true problem with it.

I hat that about him....and love it at the same time.

After a good hour long chat on the phone, I hung up feeling deflated...but confident! You see, I had sensed I wanted to make a choice that may not be the 'best' one...and after telling him all of my ideas, and he telling me 'all of the truth behind my ideas', I realized it probably wasn't going to be the best plan after all.

He was right...of course. (I hate that too sometimes.)

After my husband and I discussed my chat with Dad, we agreed our gut had told us not to do in the first place anyhow, and though I sort of didn't want to listen to it....

I didn't want to, but I needed to.

Often, if we tell our friends the truth about something they are about to do, they can become defensive.
They can even come to the decision that they don't consider us a friend. It's not that we don't believe in them, love them or trust them. It's actually, just the opposite...we care for them more than they know and just don't want to see them fall.

If that causes me to have less friends, so be it. I'd rather be honest with them, than tell them a lie that they will be angry with me for later.

So it's back to the drawing board for me!

Thanks Dad! (And I mean that in the most sincere way.)

America is Accepting Gay Marriage

I have met many people in my life and most have become my friends.

Some are bi-sexual, some are homosexual and there are those that some would consider straight

(as if to insinuate that those who do not share the same ideals about relationships are 'not right' in their thinking).

I never understood fully why anyone would assume that a person of a different sexual orientation should be treated any differently.

People are all the same to me and none should not be denied love, acceptance and friendship. 

So, regardless of their lifestyles, and sexual orientation, my friends will always be straight with me.

And here’s to them:

A beautiful collection of wedding photos that shows how America can truly be accepting, loving and fair.

These couples were able to share their love for one another with the rest of the world, just like many other U.S. citizens can...and rightly they should :)

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Truly, 

Amber

More than Love

I went to the library a couple of weeks ago for some encouragement and insight on relationships.

I picked out an audio book called Rescue Your Love Life, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

I have to admit, at first I felt like seemed too severe. I knew that my significant other and I had things we needed to work on, but were we really in that much trouble?

Both of us are from divorced parents, and both of us are divorced as well, so we have some baggage and try often to work things out together as best as possible. We usually do okay, but I felt like we needed something else.

I noticed the subtitle:  Change Those Dumb Attitudes & Behaviors That Will Sink Your Marriage.

I was a bit embarrassed to check this out, wondering if my relationship really needed to be rescued from sinking. And if it did, why in the world were we even together?

The  audio book was clearly meant for the married couple, but I got it anyhow, hoping it would have something amazing to teach us.

 We are not married, but we are living together raising my three children. We are in this for the long haul, so we really needed some insight into how we could be in love more often, and learn how to communicate better.

We listened to the cd’s separately while still having problems, and it didn’t seem to change things.

Then I took my significant other’s advice and we listened to them together on our extended car ride this weekend.  

It was a great idea! We learned a lot and had many opportunities to talk about what we were listening to and how it related to us and the issues in our own relationship.

We learned in many situations it’s as simple as dumb thinking which can totally ruin the chance to grow as a couple, and rob us of moments of understanding more about each other. And we were relieved to realize that a lot of what we are experiencing is not only normal for most couples at this stage, but it is also an important part of the next step of growing in love. Wow! We also didn’t realize that it’s okay to go through this time and that, if handled with care, it will actually take us to the next level of our relationship and build a stronger love.

At the end of most segments on the cd’s they had something called ‘Check it out’. They’re examples of ‘if the shoe was on the other foot’ situations and how would we feel if it were us? It shared other people’s stories and the solutions, as well as related bible verses.

I’m so glad we got the audio book even though the title seemed too serious and was actually meant for married couples. In listening to these, we learned so much and sooner than later!

We are also reading I Promise by Dr. Gary Smalley, and it too explains that these difficult stages are the crucial moments of the two of us to be real with each other and grow closer as we work on our differences and use them to compliment our life together.

Married or not- at this point, we care deeply about our relationship as many married and unmarried couples do.

We are deepening our love relationship already, just by changing our thinking.

I shouldn’t be surprised, since isn’t that where fixing things begins?  With ourselves?

While listening to these cd’s  we were in awe of how much of this seemed like common sense and seemed so easy to do, but until pointed out, we never considered. The Love of My Life put it like this: these books help us see and understand minor problems and differences in thinking that would severely affect  an otherwise good relationship.

Between this set of cds and the book I promise by, we are realizing that we are at a wonderful stage. We are seeing each other for who we are. We’ve learned that this is a great place for us to be right now. They say that we will bring out the worst in each other and that it’s okay and actually healthy at this point. And that we need to work these things out and go through it , and as long as we are open, communicative, loving and fair when disagreeing and listening, we are and will be okay.

And we are okay, we are better now than we were  in the very beginning of our relationship! And we have actually had many strides we’ve made along the way that we accomplished on our own, and that we can be proud of. Now we are looking forward to many more with the tips in these books.

In the end, I learned that it was more about me that needed fixing than with him, and he learned there was more for him to work on than me. ;) Basically we learned a lot about the amount of control we had on each other, none.

As for our relationship, our goal is to have a strong bond over the long term, and realize how much work the relationship requires. Because even when you have as much in common and as much love as we do, we are human, we are not perfect and need a hand sometimes.

We found so much understanding of what we are going through to be a normal phase of a relationship which will go long term if we omit our stinking thinking, work a little harder to listen to each other more and give, give give.

And at the end of the day, we loved the fact that we can look at each other and know, without a doubt, that we are both committed to do whatever it takes to meet half way and work together to better our relationship, no matter what it takes.

And to confirm the common myth about relationships:

You need way more than just love, you need a lot of elbow grease;)

I'm sorry.

No one’s perfect right? If I screw up, oh well, right? It’s no secret that I make mistakes. So, the sooner I apologize and work on rectifying the situation, the better…I try to teach this to my children, by example. And in the past, I have more than once, admitted being tired and that ‘I didn’t mean to yell’.  I’ve also been known to admit I was wrong when I didn’t let my child finish their sentence before I jumped to a conclusion.

I’m hoping that I’m  teaching them that I’ve acknowledged my wrong-doing, and  they were correct in feeling I was off base, or out of line. During moments like those I end up learning a valuable lesson on how to handle things the next time, while teaching them how to behave and how not to behave.

So, what’s the big deal with making an apology to my significant other?

There shouldn’t be anything wrong with it, but it always seems slightly more difficult to do than apologizing to the kids.

Today was one of those days….

My significant other was doing his best to address something we talked about previously. He was being pro-active, and trying to do the right thing, he was trying to talk to me about something and I basically made him wish he hadn’t.

I was having a rough morning. I hadn’t gotten up when the alarm first went off, my children needed assistance all at the same time, and I was doing a last minute thing for school. I was not happy with the situation.  Nor was I happy with myself.

I was frustrated and I just wanted to be done with what I was doing. I did not want any interruptions, let alone any questions. I had a ton of other things on my mind and I was abrupt. I quickly cut off the conversation. I did not handle it well, to say the least.

I felt awful. I knew, even before he left for work, that I was wrong. I tried to talk to him about it, but without apologizing. I guess I wanted to think that I was right.

After he left I felt even worse. I knew I was wrong and I really hadn’t meant to start the day off that way.

We would now spend all day apart…he would think that he’d been wrong, when all along, he’d been right.

I put on some quiet music and began to think as I went about my morning. I let go of my pride and had the sudden urge to text him, two words: I’m sorry.

To my surprise, he apologized back. He said that he could have handled things better and I said the same. It made me smile. I felt relieved, the weight had been lifted.

Now he could go about his day without the stress and anguish he’d gotten, from being confused. And, although I may have preferred him to go about the morning’s discussion a little differently, the truth was, he did the best he could. He was working hard to communicate. (Something I’ve asked him to improve on.)

I, on the other hand, displayed no patience what-so-ever and ended up messing up a good moment and feeling guilty about it.

So, I learned today, that my patience is best used when I don’t have any ;)

I suppose it’s moments like those that counting to 5, or 10, if need be, would be wise and quite helpful. Even just putting up a hand to ask for a second or two to think and focus. That way, I will refrain from pushing someone away, when all they were trying to do was ‘the right thing’. And…most likely, it would keep me from having to apologize.

Thankfully, my mistake was easily rectified and I was forgiven. It’s not easy to admit your wrong, but it sure is best to not wait too long to make the apology.

We both learned a little something today about our communication habits, we both had a great day at work, and coming home tonight was wonderful. It was as if this morning never happened.

Nobody accomplishes anything by holding on to pride or anger. No one wins when you want to be right.

Be humble and love.