Valentine’s Day is not just for lovers…

History says Valentine’s Day is all about showing your loved one you care.

People who are dating exchange mushy cards, husbands take their wives out for dinner and guys buy their girls flowers and chocolates, etc., etc.

But what if you are not involved in an intimate relationship??

Then who do you share Valentine’s love with? Maybe your parents, your best friend or your children?

How about yourself?

It may sound weird. But I’m being serious.

It’s Valentine’s Day!  And who says we cannot share love with ourselves today!?

How many of us actually love ourselves? And how fair and kind are we to ourselves?

When we are nearly flawless in carry out something, we indisputably pat ourselves on the back. But think about how often we tend to put ourselves down when we don’t perform perfectly.

This morning I made banana bread. I’ve made this scratch recipe hundreds of times and never messed it up but today I allowed myself to get distracted and forgot to add not one ingredient, but two. Noticing AFTER each time I put the bread back into the pan and into the oven! Ugh.

We were soon headed to church and I had a limited amount of time to complete this correctly. I still needed to get into the shower and I knew the noses of my family had already smelled the wafting of bananas.

Everyone was waiting for this bread and I found that I was getting upset and disappointed with myself. I almost let it get to me.

I had to quickly get myself into check and remember, I am not perfect and no matter if the bread comes out bad or not, I did my best and it-is-what-it-is. My family will not hate me, they will not starve and I will not let my mistake to ruin my morning. 

I allowed myself patience, mercy and love and I felt so much better about things. In the end, the bread was amazing and we were at church on timeJ

Whether in a relationship this Valentine’s Day or not, remember 1 Corinthians 13:4, which says:

Love is patient and kind,

It is not jealous or envious,

Never boastful or proud.

Love is not ill mannered or selfish or easily angered.

Love does not keep a record of wrongs; it does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Love never gives up. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes always perseveres, love never fails.

In romantic relationships, love is what sustains us during illnesses, job losses, and ill spoken words.

For the one who may be single, loving ourselves is what gives us faith, self-acceptance and inner strength to become a much stronger person.

 Happy Valentine’s Day!

                 Love yourself today!

Truly,

Amber

      

Happy Pre-Valentine’s Day!

             

     

Since it is Fun Friday again, it’s the perfect

day to give you some flowers!

At Flowers2Mail.com you can send anyone, anywhere, a bouquet of virtual flowers!

Choose the color and style of vase, flowers, leaves and fillers. Pick the card

and clip art for the occasion. Write your own message, input the receivers email and

the specific date you would like it sent, & you’re done! Sound like fun!?

Visit www.flowers2mail.com and give someone a bouquet, you might

just make their day!

Truly,

Amber

Living a better life through better communication-Communication Part III

In part II we learned the importance of staying present in the conversation and how botched things can get if we do not. We also reminded ourselves that a big part of successful communication is beginning to understand the other person first, before pressing too hard to be understood.

In part I of our Communication post we answered questions about some trouble we might be having being heard or understood.

We listed who this tends to happen with, when it tends to happens and over what topic(s).

It’s very well possible that our answers included, ‘multiple topics and people; and at multiple times’, this is fine because can often the case.

One of the last questions answered was ‘what one thing did we wish the other person(s) would change to help the situation go smoother’; many of us probably had that answer pretty quickly because there is nothing more frustrating than when it seems someone is not ‘getting’ what we are saying, or worse, they just don’t seem to care.

But I wonder if we don’t realize that maybe it isn’t the other person. Could it very well be us?

If we evaluate the list of things we wish that they would change, we ‘d probably realize that we could both benefit from changing what we do in communication.

It sounds backwards and probably not what anyone was hoping to hear. Though, for others to make changes around us sometimes we must be the first one to change. And since we cannot control anyone else, why not start with ourselves! (It’s back t the old Serenity Prayer.)

Here are some key areas that we can help ourselves be heard and understood better:

·        Close your mouth and open your ears

·        Be in the now (stay present in the conversation)

·        Maintain eye contact

·        Think before you speak (count to 3 if you must)

·        Know who you are and what you want

Listen:

My son has been overly talkative at school lately and we are working with him to get him to practice listening. So, my fiancé reminds him that he needs to keep mouth closed and ears open. This is not being mean, though it may sound like it. It’s being honest, and I imagine that we have all heard that from our teachers and parents at least once in our lives. Not to mention, if you know what a happy, energetic six year old boy sounds like, especially when he is excited, than you would welcome this directness too! Phew.

At six years old, he is not the only one who needs practice listening. Many adults do too. (I am one of them.)

As much as I love to listen to people talk (and I really do!), I love hearing their stories and I love asking them about their experiences, etc., on occasion I can find myself getting carried away with my own words  and forget that it’s not my turn anymore.

I’ve learned that the more you take the less people listen anyway, and use fewer words to articulate; too many words can lead things off track and the original focus of the conversation is lost. People tune out. (Whether it is the fault of a short-attention-span-society or our desire to babble it does not matter; we still need to adjust to be more effective in communications.)

With such a self indulgent society and in such a fast paced, communication era, we are all about talking and telling.  It’s all well and good and I like it, but relationships don’t work with just ‘me’; they need a ‘we’. And if we are all on our soapboxes at the same time and don’t let anyone else have a turn, we don’t really get the privilege of knowing someone.

Relationships grow stronger when we truly listen to each other and learn about them.  So listen more than you talk.

Stay in the now:

It’s been said that the average attention span for an adult is about 15-20 minutes, and web surfers using a search engine have an attention span of about 8 seconds so, either way, there isn’t much of a window to get your point across so we need to learn to speak with intention.

That means that not only do we need to speak more precisely and in less time, but also have to listen more intently, knowing that our sands of time are running out and soon we will self-destruct into the classic distracted-listener.

Maintain eye contact:

(My 9 yr. old suggested this be listed as an important part of communication;)

Eye contact is genuine. It shows that your focus and attention is on the person in front of you. We must not text, look at our watch or get distracted by people passing by. There should be nothing more important than the human being, in the flesh who is standing in front of us, because they will care if we are not listening; the phone or watch, well they won’t know the difference and I promise that they will be there when your conversation is over.

Think before you speak:

This is as much for the listener as it is for the speaker. A ‘train of thought’ can take off to too many other places, leading us to forget what we were talking about and come to mention it, what they were talking about too.

We have to take a second to reply. We should be think about what we are going to say before we say it (and NOT while the other person is talking).  It’s  wise to take a breath or two while preparing to speak, or else everything in our busy brains will spill out all at once and completely cover what we really want to say.

If someone is not paying attention to you, stop talking. This one might be difficult:

But chances are they stopped listening a long time ago. I’m not sure about you, but I have an extremely difficult time carrying on conversations with people who aren’t listening. If they do not engage in the conversation, engage too much, or seem to be distracted and show no real interest; I stop talking. (Yes, I stop speaking completely and I walk away or discontinue the conversation on the phone. I figure why bother, they don’t care and they are certainly not listening. They are not going to understand anything, and I cannot get any of my questions answered. Those conversations are ugly.)

Know yourself as an individual:

You must know yourself to communicate effectively. Who you are comes out when you speak, and it affects how people receive you.

Conversation, no matter how minor and on the surface, is still a way we get to know each other.

If you aren’t sure who you are or where you stand, you could too often shift back and forth on your opinions in the conversation; confusing the heck out of those around you, not to mention yourself.

Don’t keep repeating their last word to seem involved in the discussion.

With such a self-catering society, in such a fast paced, communication era, we are all about ‘telling’.  That is all well and good, but relationships don’t work with just ‘me’; they need ‘we’.

But, the most common thread in our communication struggles is ourselves, so although we wish others would change; we are the only one that can.

Today pick one thing off of this list to work on so we can work on bettering our lives through more precise, clear and meaningful communication!

 ‘Communication is a skill that you can learn. It’s like riding a bicycle or typing. If you’re willing to work at it, you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life.’ – Brian Tracy

 If only others will follow our lead, our relationships would really benefit! Now stop texting, finish reading and go listen to someone! ;)

P.S.  I wonder how many readers could actually read, stay focused and follow all three parts of this Communication post to the end.  Please share this post….’pass it on’…

Truly,

Amber

Communication pt II

(If you are just joining this blog post for the first time, you might want to first read the Communication (part I) posting on Mon., Feb. 7^th.)

‘The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.’ – George Bernard Shaw-(I know that we ended the last post with this quote from Mr. Shaw already, but it is so fitting, I feel it needs repeating.)

Communication; it’s linked to so much. Through it we express who we are, what we think and what we need. Communication is also how we accomplish things or help others do the same. It’s something we do every day all day long, and because we do, we falsely believe that we have mastered it.

Most times we’re wrong.

Remember the activity your teacher might have done with you in school? She would whisper something to the first student; they would whisper it to the second student and so on and so forth? Until at the very end, the message was completely misconstrued from its original form?

Communication breakdown can be caused by so many things…and can really be quite detrimental.

Take for example the most recent gap in communication that resulted in this close call.

ABC News recently reported that on January 17^th an American Airlines jumbo jet, carrying 259 passengers, narrowly missed two C17 military cargo planes. The jumbo jet was landing and the military planes were on takeoff. The difference between them at one point was only 200 ft.   

The cause? 

Miscommunication… between the two air traffic control towers. Ouch? Almost…

Again, quality of communication equals quality of life… It’s scary how significant it can be.

Regarding the questions in covered in the last post: I wonder which one aspect on the list you answered to be the most important in successful communication? 

Which one did you choose to put at the top of your list?

Ø  Verbal

Ø  Listening

Ø  Body Language

Ø  Tone of voice/inflection

Verbal seems to be the most commonly chosen answer. And if you did pick verbal, what percentage of communication did you guess it would be? It’s been a long discussed fact verbal is top in communication when it is really only about 7 % of and non-verbal is 93%. So, the other three on this list make up the majority of communication. Verbal is just a small portion of it.

And when it comes to face to face communication this holds true. Since what a person does while they are talking with you will say a lot about how well they are actually listening. If they are texting (and I am guilty of it), talking on the phone, or anything else, they are probably not truly hearing you. And this affects how much they ‘get’ as well as how much you ‘give’.

As in the case of these two control tower personnel, I would have to speculate that they might have been distracted and most likely were not listening to each other. (Again, it’s just speculation, but it doesn’t take much to mix up communication on the verbal and the listening end.)

Regardless of the cause, communication is the key. And listening is really the word that ought to be at the top of the list.

So, how do we listen effectively?

Let’s  go with simplicity and a visual.

My son has been overly talkative at school lately and we are working with him to get him to practice listening. My fiancee tells him, we have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason.  (I think that we’ve all heard that from our teachers or parents at least once in our lives.) My fiancee also reminds my son that he needs to keep his mouth closed and ears open. This is not being mean, although it may sound like it. It’s being honest. (If you know what a happy six year old boy sounds like, especially when he is excited, than you would be this direct with him too).

As we mature we are supposed to outgrow the ‘talk first, listen later’ routine, but many of us do not. With our busy lives and many distractions we could stand to take this elementary-advice once in a while.

Here are some more tips to help with listening :

1.       Get and STAY in the moment. Be in the ‘hear’ and now; don’t be thinking about dinner, getting gas or walking the dog when you get home

2.       Do not multitask; if you are ‘doing something’ while someone is talking than you are not actively listening

3.       Ask questions, then repeat back the answer to ensure you heard them and also understood them (it sounds strange, but it works)

4.       Maintain eye contact (and this one comes from my 9 year old)

5.       DON’T ASSUME. Do you assume what people are thinking and then talk accordingly? That’s a big no-no. (If I can’t read your mind, how can you possibly read mine?)

And one of the most important:

**‘Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.’ (Be still, be quiet and find out where they are coming from before speak.)

So, here is your challenge for the next 24 hours. Practice good communication by listening.

Every time you are in a communicative relationship with someone practice at least two of the tips we mentioned here.

Truly,

Amber

**This is a Proverb in the bible, and Stephen R. Covey’s Habit #5., in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

For more information visit these links:

http://bible.org/seriespage/communication-skills

https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits-habit5.php

Q: What’s communication got to do with it?

A: Everything.

Have you ever felt as if no one listens to you? Or worse, no one understands you?

 It could be because they don’t.

This week I am writing about communication and how it plays a direct part in our successes, failures and happiness.

Why is it important to communicate well?

Because…the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our communication…I know that I have heard this somewhere before and I believe it completely.

Face it; we are not mind readers. We cannot presume someone else’s thoughts, intentions or desires, anymore than they can guess ours.

How many times have you said something and somebody took it the wrong way? How often did you attempt to say what you were thinking, but ended up saying something completely different? How often do you tell someone what you want, but don’t get it?

It happens…. Communication is not easy and takes practice. Hence why there are courses on it and couples go to counseling to improve it.

Likewise, there are many different facets to communication. Here are a top few:

Ø Verbal

Ø Listening

Ø Body Language

Ø Tone of voice/inflection

Not everyone is aware of how important each one of these is and how much they contribute to what you say, how you say and what people hear.

Contrary to what some might believe these parts of communication are not created equal.

See if you can decide which one of these would be of the utmost importance in communicating. Then write down how much of the percentage of the conversation you think it is.

These are just the most commonly mentioned parts of communicating; I have a list of others I will address later on in the week, but for now I’d like you to stop reading and start writing.

·        Write down a few of the most recent times when you felt the most misunderstood.

·        Write down with whom it tends to happen with and when.

·        Maybe you could list a few of the topics/situations that arise during those situations. (This may take a few extra minutes to recall, but do the best you can.)

·        Write down why you think communication in these situations is not going well.

·        What one thing do you wish those people/person should change.

In my next post you can use your answers to help you gain more insight into communication breakdowns which will lead you one step closer to better relationships.

‘The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.’ – George Bernard Shaw

                                                       ….to be continued….

Truly,

Amber

Luxury Igloo Hotel...

A REMINDER IT’S :

Fun Friday!

On fun Friday, I will feature a story, photo or link that is fun.

It may, or may not inspire you, but the main idea is to have fun with it relax, SmileJ & Enjoy

Ice Igloo Hotels

ICE HOTELS:

I’m thinking this has got to be some sort of an oxy moron…

Okay, so we have seen enough snow and ice for one month, maybe even for a few months. But, the good news is, it goes away!

And look on the bright side; at least we don’t have to live IN it!

I mean honestly… I can see going on a trip to Alaska in the snowy months, I can even understand skiers vacationing in the mountains, but at the end of the day, isn’t it just crazy to jump into a bed of ice to relax??? EEESH.

No thanks ;) I like the snow, but this is ridiculous. I could not see this as a vacation…

Carry on, northeastern blizzards.

 I’m going to (warm) bed.

Truly,

Amber

Visit this site to learn more about this ice hotel in Sweden...Brrrrrr.

http://www.travelchannel.com/Places_Trips/Travel_Ideas/Getaways/Winter_Getaways/Ice_Hotels

Why Worry...

When I was a little girl, my grandmother taught me two prayers that I carried with me my whole life; the Our Father and the Serenity Prayer.

I have kept these two in my heart for years. The Our Father, we all know is a prayer and we are aware of where it came from. I say it regularly and enjoy speaking it aloud, at church, with my congregation when our pastor leads us.

The Serenity Prayer, has a history too, and say what you will about where it came from , who first came up with it, and what it’s really used for but I just say it’s my saving grace, and has been since I was a teen.

After saying the Serenity Prayer, tell me who could not just let go of some things in life that are not worthy of their time? Tell me who, after really listening to the words, could not relax a bit and allow God to take over the things that are not in their control?

When my children would go away with their father for visits, they would be 2100 miles away for 6 weeks at a time (per a custody agreement set in another state), my friends, co-workers, teachers and acquaintances would ask me, ‘How do you manage…I would be so worried!!!’

I’ve been a worry wart all of my life…And a something as close to my heart as this one was difficult to bear. My children mean the world to me and to be unable to kiss boo-boos, tuck them in at night and see to their needs; I was a mess, believe me.

But, I had to go back to the Serenity Prayer, because the worry alone was eating me alive. I have seen over the years that worry is a terrible waste of time, since a) many of the things I’ve ever  worried about are things that are out of my control and b) most of the things I worry about never happen.

By using the prayer and the logical thinking that goes with it, I was able to live a healthier while my children were gone, because I was not always stressed and consumed with fear and anxiety.

From what I gather, history says that Theologian Reinhold Niebuhr wrote the Serenity Prayer for a sermon in 1934 and later the prayer was used in Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step programs. Regardless of its roots The Serenity Prayer has by far helped me to identify things that are worthy of my time and that I have some control over (and can take action on) vs. things that I have absolutely no control over and shouldn’t waste time on.

Here is the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can

and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would

have it; trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will; so that I may be

reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next.

Amen

This is a short poem that is similar to the Serenity Prayer and is another way to say the same thing:

(Solomon Ibn Gbirol wrote of the need to distinguish between the possible and the impossible and to accept that which one cannot change.)

For every ailment under the sun

There is a remedy, or there is none;

If there be one, try to find it

If there be none, never mind it.

Have a wonderful day, and hopefully it will be one with less worry.

Truly,

Amber

Time Is On Your Side

I used to think that time was my enemy. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick….tock.

The seconds, minutes and hours continuously counting down…

It always seemed as if the clock next to me was forever pressuring me to make a decision, accomplish something or be somewhere.

I was constantly in a race with time to get to where I wanted to be; literally and figuratively.

But I’ve noticed that time can also work the opposite way as well.

When we are waiting in line for something, how many of us feel that time just doesn’t go by quick enough?

And how about when we’re in pain? Doesn’t it always feel like the moment will never pass?

I distinctly recall a time where I went through something like that.

I was sitting in my kitchen, crying my eyes out. I was still living in Connecticut and had recently divorced.

I had done it! I had divorced my husband. I had gone back to work after being a stay at home mom for two years. I had successfully made it through a one year battle to finish the legal part of the divorce and I was happy! So why was so petrified?

Because I felt like the clock of life was going too fast.

That night in my kitchen, five years ago, I panicked about now. It seems silly, but I really did fret about today. 

The divorce was final and I was free. But I heard the tick tock of the clock and worried about where I would be and what I would be doing in several years.

So, here I am; it is February of 2011 and it has been 5 years since my divorce and what I realized was that time was never my enemy…time was always my friend.

Time was a tool. Patience and faith was the key.

I am right where I am supposed to be. And I have been on a wonderful journey.

I successfully found work in Ohio, I relocated with my three children, I won custody, I’m writing again and now I’m getting married to the love of my life.

These are all good things… and none of which would have happened without time.

If I was hasty for results and too quick to arrive somewhere, I would have made lots of devastating mistakes.

See, when we are patient, we give ourselves the necessary opportunities we require to become who we are meant to be... as well as where we are meant to arrive…

Our destiny if you will.

Time can help us in other ways too.

In every day events time can help tame a tongue, encourage us to think before we make a decision, and has proven to help us make smarter purchases (when we wait a week or two to buy something we can’t live without…we end up not buying it at all…because time taught us that we don’t really ‘need’ it).

Time can create stronger relationships and heal broken hearts.

Time is not against us, it's actually our friend.

So, the next occasion when you feel pressured by the tick tock of the nasty clock…look at it and smile.

Time is a Gift, Use it Wisely

Be thankful that you have that extra time to say you’re sorry, change your mind, grow as a person or fix a mistake.

Truly,

Amber

Coffee to the Rescue...Or not...

I love coffee! I don’t know many people who don’t. (Or maybe I’m just not friends with them…)

I can drink coffee hot or cold, black or creamed, flavored or plain. I will drink coffee anywhere, any place for any reason and yes, even if it’s a day old…I just LOVE coffee!

I was stunned this week to find a website that will give the estimated ‘death by caffeine’ count!

If you go to their website and click on a drop down box of drinks that include caffeine, you can ‘pick your poison’, plug in your weight and hit enter.

Then you can find out exactly how many drinks of that particular caffeinated beverage it would take to put you under.

I was surprised at the following:

A)     That there is actually a website that does this…but, why should I be?  This is the internet we’re talking about!

B)      I should really watch how much coffee I drink. that…WHAT!?

C)      That it would take way more caffeine to put me out than I had guessed!

D)     That it is okay for me to drink more red bull than coffee, because for some reason, there’s more lee-way with that…lol…go figure!

My total would be 59.68 cups of coffee before I’d have to call it quits and 80.19 cans of Red Bull (I’m totally assuming that we’re talking about the small cans….)

Wow, the things we can learn on the internet.

I like red bull when I travel, but for now I will stick to my regular, daily overdose of coffeeJ  thank you very much!!

But, at least I know that I’ll be okay on my trips when at 3 in the morning I’m guzzling those two super sized cans of Red Bull back to back…

It only feels like I’m going to have heart attack three hours later…because according to this I have at LEAST  76 more cans to go….

  Visit:

 http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/6ezJa9/www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine/

Truly,

Amber

Fun Fridays

I’m generally very serious and many of my posts revolve around real life events that are pretty intense. 

But I am a fun person too…

and I would love for you to know that about me

ever Since I First Started Blogging

Yellow Inspiration & Family Matters I’ve always wanted to do a

‘Fun Friday’ Post

On fun Friday, I will feature a story, photo or link that is fun or funny.

It may, or may not inspire you, but the main idea is to have fun with it relax, SmileJ & Enjoy