D. I. V. O. R. C. E.: the dirty word

Divorce -Ew. Horrible…Ssshhh…

When I was getting divorced in 2005 it sure did seem like a dirty word.

And even though divorce seems more common than it was when I was growing up, it still has a stigma to it...

But, I'm not afraid to admit that, 'Yes, I am the D-word'.

I'm always amazed at how many people who are not divorced, or even married for that matter, can be so quick to judge.

How can they think they know what it's like?

I remember telling my family I was divorcing. It was my choice and not too many family members on either mine OR my ex’s side were thrilled.

I had one of my own relatives tell me, ‘suck it up, he’s your husband, deal with it’.  

Now that was interesting.

And then, how about when people say: ‘Divorce is soooo eeeaasssy….’ 

I can’t stand that. 

My response is, ‘No.  MARRIAGE is sooooo  eassssssy…’

There are very few hoops to jump through to get married.

Can you say J.P.? There are plenty of them.

Can you say quick? Some areas don't even require blood tests.

Can you say cheap? It can be, if you don’t have a full blown wedding.

(And don't even get me started on the financial incentives for a couple to wed.)

So if anything is easy, getting married is.

Envision that the nation’s 50% divorce rate could possibly reflect the following: 

If half of those people decided not to get married in the first place, divorce rates wouldn’t be so high.

There are many couples who should not be together, should not be getting married, or should not still be married. (A conversation for another day.)

The fact of the matter is, there are more hoops to jump through to get a divorce than there are to get married. 

 And divorce carries the most excruciating, emotional and financial baggage you will ever experience.

Divorcing after 11 years, with three children under the age of eight, with a newly built home and a ton of debt…HARD

Saying goodbye to who you were, life as you knew it and the future had planned for your family…HARD

Splitting the time you spend with your children on holidays, weekends and at bedtime...TRAUMATIC

There is nothing about divorce that is easy...

Everyone is entitled to their opinions and I can respect that.

But how do you kindly explain that there were no other options. How do you prove that you tried everything before you singlehandedly pulled the plug on your family’s routines, and dreams?

You don’t.

And the good part is that you don’t have to.

We all make choices in this life. Whether others agree with us, or not, should not be our main concern.

People are human; they are going to make mistakes. And when they do, they ought to be afforded the freedom to fix them.

And like marriage, divorce is a choice that can be made in America, by almost anyone, almost anywhere, and is not likely going away anytime soon.

So if you have never been divorced, and presume divorced people have taken the easy route, think again. 

It’s not nearly as easy as you imagine.

If you are married and are considering divorce make sure you’re sure. 

Because this is the path you are about to choose, and none of it is simple.

But if it’s the only way out for you, than no one should fault you for it. 

Just know this: don’t try to do it alone, find support.

Be strong, stand tall, things will get better…

Ask me how I know…

Truly,

Amber

Previous author/columnist for ‘Life Goes On’, which was about my new life as a single, divorced mother of 3.

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I’m a blogger on a mission to lighten people’s days.

I’m not selling anything except contemplation and smiles.

I’m not an expert on anything, just experienced in my own existence. 

Once single, once married, once divorced; three children, working hard and persevering.

Life does have its doozies, and I seem to end up with many of them, but somehow on most days I still end up happier than I was the day before, so I figure, why not share...

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 Truly,

Amber

‘You can make your world so much larger simply by acknowledging everyone else’s.’

                                                                          – Jeanne Marie Laskas

                                                       Columnist

Swing into Spring

My little man...last year...practicing his Swing

The first day of Spring is Sunday, March 20^th, and golfers everywhere will be celebrating!

For the upcoming occasion I have collected some quotes I found from golf movies.

Enjoy!  

 

Truly,

Amber

 

Bringing Up Baby (1938)

“My dear young lady, I'm not losing my temper. I'm merely trying to play some golf.”

– David Huxley (Cary Grant) 

Caddyshack (1980)

 [Judge Smails is taking an inordinately long time to hit his drive on the first tee, while Al Czervik waits in the next foursome]
Al Czervik: While we're young.

Happy Gilmore (1996)

Bob Barker: I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.

Bob Barker: This guy sucks.

Happy Gilmore : That guy is driving me crazy.   

Bob Barker: You know what’s driving me crazy? You not getting the ball into the hole.

Tin Cup (1996)

Roy McAvoy: When was the last time you took a risk?
Dr. Molly Griswold: Well, I'm with you, Roy. I'm with you.

 Legend of Bagger Vance( 2000)

“There's a perfect shot out there tryin' to find each and every one of us... All we got to do is get ourselves out of its way, to let it choose us... Can't see that flag as some dragon you got to slay... You got to look with soft eyes... See the place where the tides and the seasons and the turnin' of the Earth, all come together... where everything that is, becomes one... You got to seek that place with your soul"  

FU on Grace

Today was not a very graceful day…maybe it has something to do with the chocolate….

Anyway, I swore, (and I’ve vowed to stop that) I yelled out loud in my car at another driver on the road and I pouted at the end of the day.

I’ve been struggling a little bit with My One Word…and that is why I’ve decided to do a little FU on Grace…

Follow up, that is.

I’m not perfect, heck, that’s why I’m using Grace  as My One Word this year; to help me practice being Graceful in all aspects of my life….

HA!!!!

If I had picked kindness, compassion, or charity, there’d be no problem…

Or, if I chose humbleness, strength, or maybe humor, I’d say again, NO problem,  ‘I got this’…. 

But, if I had, it’d be too easy.

So, I picked Grace

…Ugh…

I picked Grace because I felt that I needed reminding sometimes. I needed a cue to force me to display patience when I didn’t want to, and give forgiveness when I should but can’t. 

It sounded like a great idea!

I really don’t do long lists of New Year’s Resolutions anymore and I thought choosing a word to live by for 12 months would be fun!

Yeah, no, it’s hard.

I definitely don’t want to discourage anyone from doing it. I just advise you be prepared.

‘This ain’t no picnic Boo Boo.’

It’s biting your tongue, holding your breath, counting to ten, and sometimes just walking away.

It’s seeing someone for good, rather than bad. Viewing things from other people’s perspectives. It’s taking time to reel yourself in and think about what you do and why you do it.

The good thing about My One Word is I never feel discouraged so much that I want to quit it. Since this type of resolution is one that is just between me (well.. and now you..) and myself. I know that if I get it wrong today, I will learn something from it and then get back on track tomorrow with practicing Grace.

If you’d like to try doing what I am doing, visit this site, it is one of my favorites and it’s where I got this idea.

My One Word:

http://myoneword.org/choose/

On this site you can do an exercise or two. You can also read some inspirational stories and take a few minutes to gain insight into yourself, who you want to be and where you want to go. 

Or… you could just get frustrated trying to live by One Word …LIKE ME!!

If you visit the site or choose your own One Word, please come back and share with me what you thought and/or what One Word you chose.

Tomorrow is another day….

Hopefully it will be GRACEFUL.

 

Truly

Amber

What Was I Thinking?!?!

I gave up chocolate for Lent.

Please, someone, tell me what I was thinking.

Ever notice that when you decide to give something up, it almost never fails, you see it everywhere?

I sat down to watch T.V. tonight and YEP, YOU guessed it! A Lindt chocolate commercial. 

And so my teenage daughter came in from the kitchen when she heard the commercial and told me that I just couldn’t seem to get away from it. (She did this with a cruel and pitying chuckle; easy for her-she isn’t participating in Lent…Grrrrrr.) 

She’s right though, it's everywhere I go.

Even a quick trip into CVS requires a strategic plan and an enormous amount of willpower. I went there yesterday and  had to be sure to  avoid certain isles since the Easter candy is out in full force.

Then when I had a sore throat this week, my guy scooped me a nice bowl of ice-cream….but since it was a mixed ice-cream container of chocolate and vanilla, he had to separate the vanilla from the chocolate….

I am not sure who had it worse, me or him…..he gave up ice-cream for Lent…

All I can say is this: It’s going to be a loooooong  40 days. (Maybe not as long for me as for my little kids’ will be without Wii and the computer;)

I realize now that giving up chocolate will mean no chocolate syrup on my ice-cream (or IN my ice-cream), no chocolate chips in my pancakes, no chocolate chip cookies (which happen to be my favorite) and no chocolate candy.

Chocolate is in so many things.  It’s in ice-cream, hot cocoa, candies, and even in some specialty coffees.

Well, this is what I chose. 

I chose to make a sacrifice, to honor and appreciate.

I know what I am honoring…but I also know what I will appreciate- a nice big chocolate Cadbury Egg at Easter and then finally the freedom to eat as much chocolate as I like!!!..…;)

Through this, I've realized that when I can’t have something, I want it even more!

Something else I've realized is how much I depend on chocolate as a crutch.

If I’m grumpy I grab a piece of chocolate. If I am hungry and don’t want to wait till dinner I will grab a piece of chocolate. If I am feeling happy, I will grab a piece of chocolate. If I am tired of the chilly, wet weather, I will make hot cocoa and chocolate chip cookies....

Chocolate is my friend.

Oi.

I will miss you Chocolate… 

See you in April…..

Truly,

Amber

My Mad Lib Answers

Today I got up at  ____noon_____ and put on some ______designer clothes____________  for a change. I went out into the ____library_____________ and grabbed a _______________book___________________ and sat down in the _____garden_______________.

_____Ryan___________  came in while I was ____reading_________ and offered me a  __crepe__________________.

It had been  __5____ years since I’d had that for breakfast.  After I had the maid _____cook breakfast_________ AND _____take out trash_______________  I decided  to go to __the book store ____________ .  I saw _________Taylor________________  and asked her to go with me.  On the way we decided to grab some lunch at ______sushi restaurant______________________.

We hopped into my ______Lexus________ . And on the way we talked about ______books_______________ _______and _________movies______________.  We stopped at ______shoe store_______________ and bought _10_  _____shoes_______________________ ___ ‘s  then we were on our way.

While at the restaurant  _________Oprah________________ joined us for lunch and afterwards she/he invited us onto the set of the show __________Oprah Winfrey Show ____________________.

_____Wow______________! That was fun! 
It was about time for us to be going because I had to pack for ______Hawaii_________________! 

I dropped ______Taylor_____________ off at her house and went home to get my  _____feet___________massaged.

I couldn’t wait to leave; it was going to take ___10__ hours to get there by ____plane_________________ .

Since I would be away for__10___  weeks, I left a list of things to be done while I was gone;

1.       ____clean cat boxes________

2.       ____laundry_______________

3.       ____sort socks_____________

4.       ____clutter clean____________

5.       ____wash slip covers_________

6.       ____clean furniture__________

7.       ____grocery shop___________

When I arrived at my destination the temperature was ­­­­_75____degrees and I was thrilled to finally be there.

I could smell the               roses______ and the _______ocean__________. The time flew by so quickly. 

While I was there  I enjoyed ___horseback riding_____,  __spa ____,

____massage________________, ______shopping______________, and  learning      ________golf_______________.

For dinner every night I ate __pasta & seafood_______________,  sipped  _____champagne___________________ by the ________sunset_______ and had ____teri me su___ for dessert .

 As I crawled into my bed at the hotel on my last night, I dreamt that every day could be like this one.

The next morning, when I woke up to the sound of ____ocean on the shore_____ I thought, ‘I will miss  ______Hawaii____________________  but I really miss ________Taylor, Tatum, Justice, Ryan _______________ and ________________my own pillow and my pets____________________________ more….

Life swap was nice, but I can’t wait to go back home.

'Joy is the feeling of Grinning inside.' - Melba Colgrove, Phsychologist
                 
     Happy Friday!
If you are interested in doing this Madlib, refer to last Fun Friday's post: Life Swap (3/5/11) and use the list to compile your words...then  use Saturday 3/6/11- Life Swap Cont'd post to fill in the blanks! Have Fun!

 

Truly,

Amber

Sacrifice

Today is Ash Wednesday A.K.A. Lent

What does Lent mean to you? Do you celebrate it?

I’ve listed some links that briefly (and not-so-briefly) describe Lent.

Practices during lent can be summed up into one word: sacrifice. And regardless of what faith you are or where you're at in your spiritual journey, we can all relate to sacrifice and the need for it.

Without giving something up we would never be able to fully appreciate what we have or what has been sacrificed for us. 

This About.com article describes what Lent is and who is most likely to celebrate it (the link has Christianity in its title, but lists several different faiths. (And if you are uninterested in learning about Lent, feel free to skip to the bottom of the blog.)

http://christianity.about.com/od/holidaytips/qt/whatisashwednes.htm

Other sites of interest regarding descriptions of Lent:

http://www.crivoice.org/cylent.html

http://www.americancatholic.org/Messenger/Feb2002/Family.asp

This next link is an great visual of the symbols used, or that can be used, during Lent to signify certain things:

http://onlineministries.creighton.edu/CollaborativeMinistry/Lent/symbols.html

If you aren’t into Lent, and prefer not to give anything up, I urge you to at least take a few moments to appreciate the simple things that you experience every day, like:

• Clean water

• Clean air

• Freedom

• Love

......Because it's so easy to take for granted things we do (and have) everyday....when not everyone is so lucky.

Sacrifice, which is the passion of great souls, has never been the law of societies.”

Henri Frederic Amiel quotes (Swiss writer known for his masterpiece Journal intime, 1821-1881)

 

Truly,

Amber