Q: What’s communication got to do with it?

A: Everything.

Have you ever felt as if no one listens to you? Or worse, no one understands you?

 It could be because they don’t.

This week I am writing about communication and how it plays a direct part in our successes, failures and happiness.

Why is it important to communicate well?

Because…the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our communication…I know that I have heard this somewhere before and I believe it completely.

Face it; we are not mind readers. We cannot presume someone else’s thoughts, intentions or desires, anymore than they can guess ours.

How many times have you said something and somebody took it the wrong way? How often did you attempt to say what you were thinking, but ended up saying something completely different? How often do you tell someone what you want, but don’t get it?

It happens…. Communication is not easy and takes practice. Hence why there are courses on it and couples go to counseling to improve it.

Likewise, there are many different facets to communication. Here are a top few:

Ø Verbal

Ø Listening

Ø Body Language

Ø Tone of voice/inflection

Not everyone is aware of how important each one of these is and how much they contribute to what you say, how you say and what people hear.

Contrary to what some might believe these parts of communication are not created equal.

See if you can decide which one of these would be of the utmost importance in communicating. Then write down how much of the percentage of the conversation you think it is.

These are just the most commonly mentioned parts of communicating; I have a list of others I will address later on in the week, but for now I’d like you to stop reading and start writing.

·        Write down a few of the most recent times when you felt the most misunderstood.

·        Write down with whom it tends to happen with and when.

·        Maybe you could list a few of the topics/situations that arise during those situations. (This may take a few extra minutes to recall, but do the best you can.)

·        Write down why you think communication in these situations is not going well.

·        What one thing do you wish those people/person should change.

In my next post you can use your answers to help you gain more insight into communication breakdowns which will lead you one step closer to better relationships.

‘The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.’ – George Bernard Shaw

                                                       ….to be continued….

Truly,

Amber

Luxury Igloo Hotel...

A REMINDER IT’S :

Fun Friday!

On fun Friday, I will feature a story, photo or link that is fun.

It may, or may not inspire you, but the main idea is to have fun with it relax, SmileJ & Enjoy

Ice Igloo Hotels

ICE HOTELS:

I’m thinking this has got to be some sort of an oxy moron…

Okay, so we have seen enough snow and ice for one month, maybe even for a few months. But, the good news is, it goes away!

And look on the bright side; at least we don’t have to live IN it!

I mean honestly… I can see going on a trip to Alaska in the snowy months, I can even understand skiers vacationing in the mountains, but at the end of the day, isn’t it just crazy to jump into a bed of ice to relax??? EEESH.

No thanks ;) I like the snow, but this is ridiculous. I could not see this as a vacation…

Carry on, northeastern blizzards.

 I’m going to (warm) bed.

Truly,

Amber

Visit this site to learn more about this ice hotel in Sweden...Brrrrrr.

http://www.travelchannel.com/Places_Trips/Travel_Ideas/Getaways/Winter_Getaways/Ice_Hotels

Why Worry...

When I was a little girl, my grandmother taught me two prayers that I carried with me my whole life; the Our Father and the Serenity Prayer.

I have kept these two in my heart for years. The Our Father, we all know is a prayer and we are aware of where it came from. I say it regularly and enjoy speaking it aloud, at church, with my congregation when our pastor leads us.

The Serenity Prayer, has a history too, and say what you will about where it came from , who first came up with it, and what it’s really used for but I just say it’s my saving grace, and has been since I was a teen.

After saying the Serenity Prayer, tell me who could not just let go of some things in life that are not worthy of their time? Tell me who, after really listening to the words, could not relax a bit and allow God to take over the things that are not in their control?

When my children would go away with their father for visits, they would be 2100 miles away for 6 weeks at a time (per a custody agreement set in another state), my friends, co-workers, teachers and acquaintances would ask me, ‘How do you manage…I would be so worried!!!’

I’ve been a worry wart all of my life…And a something as close to my heart as this one was difficult to bear. My children mean the world to me and to be unable to kiss boo-boos, tuck them in at night and see to their needs; I was a mess, believe me.

But, I had to go back to the Serenity Prayer, because the worry alone was eating me alive. I have seen over the years that worry is a terrible waste of time, since a) many of the things I’ve ever  worried about are things that are out of my control and b) most of the things I worry about never happen.

By using the prayer and the logical thinking that goes with it, I was able to live a healthier while my children were gone, because I was not always stressed and consumed with fear and anxiety.

From what I gather, history says that Theologian Reinhold Niebuhr wrote the Serenity Prayer for a sermon in 1934 and later the prayer was used in Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step programs. Regardless of its roots The Serenity Prayer has by far helped me to identify things that are worthy of my time and that I have some control over (and can take action on) vs. things that I have absolutely no control over and shouldn’t waste time on.

Here is the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can

and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would

have it; trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will; so that I may be

reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next.

Amen

This is a short poem that is similar to the Serenity Prayer and is another way to say the same thing:

(Solomon Ibn Gbirol wrote of the need to distinguish between the possible and the impossible and to accept that which one cannot change.)

For every ailment under the sun

There is a remedy, or there is none;

If there be one, try to find it

If there be none, never mind it.

Have a wonderful day, and hopefully it will be one with less worry.

Truly,

Amber

Time Is On Your Side

I used to think that time was my enemy. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick….tock.

The seconds, minutes and hours continuously counting down…

It always seemed as if the clock next to me was forever pressuring me to make a decision, accomplish something or be somewhere.

I was constantly in a race with time to get to where I wanted to be; literally and figuratively.

But I’ve noticed that time can also work the opposite way as well.

When we are waiting in line for something, how many of us feel that time just doesn’t go by quick enough?

And how about when we’re in pain? Doesn’t it always feel like the moment will never pass?

I distinctly recall a time where I went through something like that.

I was sitting in my kitchen, crying my eyes out. I was still living in Connecticut and had recently divorced.

I had done it! I had divorced my husband. I had gone back to work after being a stay at home mom for two years. I had successfully made it through a one year battle to finish the legal part of the divorce and I was happy! So why was so petrified?

Because I felt like the clock of life was going too fast.

That night in my kitchen, five years ago, I panicked about now. It seems silly, but I really did fret about today. 

The divorce was final and I was free. But I heard the tick tock of the clock and worried about where I would be and what I would be doing in several years.

So, here I am; it is February of 2011 and it has been 5 years since my divorce and what I realized was that time was never my enemy…time was always my friend.

Time was a tool. Patience and faith was the key.

I am right where I am supposed to be. And I have been on a wonderful journey.

I successfully found work in Ohio, I relocated with my three children, I won custody, I’m writing again and now I’m getting married to the love of my life.

These are all good things… and none of which would have happened without time.

If I was hasty for results and too quick to arrive somewhere, I would have made lots of devastating mistakes.

See, when we are patient, we give ourselves the necessary opportunities we require to become who we are meant to be... as well as where we are meant to arrive…

Our destiny if you will.

Time can help us in other ways too.

In every day events time can help tame a tongue, encourage us to think before we make a decision, and has proven to help us make smarter purchases (when we wait a week or two to buy something we can’t live without…we end up not buying it at all…because time taught us that we don’t really ‘need’ it).

Time can create stronger relationships and heal broken hearts.

Time is not against us, it's actually our friend.

So, the next occasion when you feel pressured by the tick tock of the nasty clock…look at it and smile.

Time is a Gift, Use it Wisely

Be thankful that you have that extra time to say you’re sorry, change your mind, grow as a person or fix a mistake.

Truly,

Amber

Coffee to the Rescue...Or not...

I love coffee! I don’t know many people who don’t. (Or maybe I’m just not friends with them…)

I can drink coffee hot or cold, black or creamed, flavored or plain. I will drink coffee anywhere, any place for any reason and yes, even if it’s a day old…I just LOVE coffee!

I was stunned this week to find a website that will give the estimated ‘death by caffeine’ count!

If you go to their website and click on a drop down box of drinks that include caffeine, you can ‘pick your poison’, plug in your weight and hit enter.

Then you can find out exactly how many drinks of that particular caffeinated beverage it would take to put you under.

I was surprised at the following:

A)     That there is actually a website that does this…but, why should I be?  This is the internet we’re talking about!

B)      I should really watch how much coffee I drink. that…WHAT!?

C)      That it would take way more caffeine to put me out than I had guessed!

D)     That it is okay for me to drink more red bull than coffee, because for some reason, there’s more lee-way with that…lol…go figure!

My total would be 59.68 cups of coffee before I’d have to call it quits and 80.19 cans of Red Bull (I’m totally assuming that we’re talking about the small cans….)

Wow, the things we can learn on the internet.

I like red bull when I travel, but for now I will stick to my regular, daily overdose of coffeeJ  thank you very much!!

But, at least I know that I’ll be okay on my trips when at 3 in the morning I’m guzzling those two super sized cans of Red Bull back to back…

It only feels like I’m going to have heart attack three hours later…because according to this I have at LEAST  76 more cans to go….

  Visit:

 http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/6ezJa9/www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine/

Truly,

Amber

Fun Fridays

I’m generally very serious and many of my posts revolve around real life events that are pretty intense. 

But I am a fun person too…

and I would love for you to know that about me

ever Since I First Started Blogging

Yellow Inspiration & Family Matters I’ve always wanted to do a

‘Fun Friday’ Post

On fun Friday, I will feature a story, photo or link that is fun or funny.

It may, or may not inspire you, but the main idea is to have fun with it relax, SmileJ & Enjoy

GRACE

Here is something you might not know about me-I love Psychology Today magazine.

There are many magazines I enjoy; like Oprah, Architectural Digest, Cleveland Magazine and more, but Psychology Today is one I love.

I have been reading it for years. It is a thin magazine, but that’s because it seems the ads are kept to a minimum.

I am completely enthralled with every subject and topic that I literally sit down and read it cover to cover every time.

Since signed up with a Twitter account I’ve been so excited to keep up with my favorite magazine by following Psych Today’s Tweets!!

About a week ago, the magazine tweeted about choosing a one-word-theme for the year.  

It peaked my interest…

The tweet led to a great article where the author describes a type of New Year’s Resolution that her sister usually does which is choose one word to use as the theme for her entire year.

That sounded fun!

So, I have chosen my one-word for the year; and I’ve already been using it, though it can be hard!!

     My one-word-theme for 2011 is Grace.

No matter what I do, how I act, how I react, or what I try to accomplish, I will attempt to do it with GRACE.

I have been trying to clean up my ‘potty’ mouth. I have been trying to keep my positive thoughts at the forefront of my mind. I am trying to be graceful  in the way that I thinking

There are things we all need to work on every day and many of them are the hardest habits to break.

I am excited about using Grace. I think that a one word theme will be easier than trying to talk my self down from a yuck moment. I just say ‘Grace’ and that speaks volumes to me!

Grace is a gift from God and it’s a gift that may be passed from one to another.

Use my word if you like, or choose your own!

Check it out!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-happiness-project/201012/choose-one-word-set-the-tone-next-year

(The writer is the author Gretchen Rubin and while I am not following the Happiness Project, someone out there might like to learn more about it and possibly join in. So here is her link to the Happiness Project.)

http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/the-year-of-happiness-challenge.html

And as always, I would love to hear your comments on this post. Please share what one-word-theme you chose J

Truly,

Amber

Mourning with Arizona – Part III

What’s the Solution?
This posting is in three parts and was originally written and posted on Family Matters with Amber-If you would like to read Parts 1/2 please go to:
www.FamilyMattersWithAmber.blogspot.com

Right about now, I think every American is asking that question.

Standing up for what you believe in, in this country, is supposed to be a right, and a freedom. So why does it always seem like we are paying for it?

Fact: there will always be someone who has an opinion that differs from our own.

Unfortunately some people take it to extremes. They deem you, and your life, not worthy, because your beliefs do not match theirs.

What’s wrong with this picture?  

Sadly, everything… So, what’s the plan?

I’m not sure that we can devise one without first understanding the problem.

Following the Arizona shootings, some have speculated the following reasons for this occurrence:

1.       It was a result of Gabrielle Giffords’ views and her support of health care laws…

Interesting, but probably not likely to be Jared’s only motive. Plus, other representatives have the same views as Gabby and they weren’t gunned down.

2.       It’s Sarah Palin’s fault because she used a scope-icon to identify certain people and parties, and that is where Jared first created this disgusting plan…

Though I agree that her poor choice of bad clip-art was indeed pretty distasteful and not well thought out, and by now probably regrets it, but, I’m also pretty sure she isn’t the only one to express her thoughts on Giffords, so I highly doubt that Palin was the reason Loughner went on his spree.

3.       It’s because of violent video games.

While I believe that condoning our children using games where the objective is to run around with weapons and go on killing sprees, (hence why I don’t allow my children to play them) ,I still think that there is more to it. I just cannot believe that kids say, ‘hey let’s try that for fun in real life’. They must be angry enough already to feel the desire to do something so heinous. If the video games are to blame, you may as well blame movies and their imagination because those things offer them plenty.

4.       Its Jared Loughner’s deranged mind…

Okay, fair judgment, considering only a very, mentally, unstable person would be able to carry out the terrifying act he did, but he had no previous record, and was not at all suspicious to a cop who stopped him the morning of the shootings. And apparently, he was okay before this. Per his old girlfriend, he was kind and sweet and non-abusive.

5.       It is a result of Jared Loughner exhausted and on drugs…

Could be, but sounds like his plan started way before his all-nighter did.

6.       It’s because Jared owned a gun.

A lot of people own guns. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Besides, not every gun owner goes out and murders people with theirs. So I don’t think it’s the gun. There are a lot of other weapons in the world…people don’t always use guns to kill others. (Should everyone have a gun? I don’t believe so, but with a clean record and some money, anyone can get one, and some don’t even need that.)

My personal belief is that this, and many other acts of violence involving guns, is not the guns themselves, and not always the issue surrounding the event, but the anger inside the person who did it and what started it.

I am not a doctor, I am not a psychologist, I am just a mother in America, trying to sort through the mess that I call home. I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and my thoughts on this might not be worth much, but I wonder, of these theories, how many considered the child within the murderer?

I think many who are speculating about the problem are missing the big picture.

Honestly, how many people have considered deep seeded unaddressed anger, lack of self-esteem, disappointment, stress, lack of self-control or lack of faith? Maybe even lack of love?

People hurt people because they are hurting…

If someone feels loved, can they truly feel hate?

I’ve noticed it doesn’t matter anymore what you do, there is always that risk that some angry person could harm you.

So many people want someone to blame…so many want somewhere to direct their pain…too many want others to hurt with them.

We are always going to have politics and differing opinions. There will always be jobs lost, divorces and things that don’t go our way. There will always be people in pain. But America has to stop killing each other over it.

It seems more and more common; committing Random Acts of Violence rather than Random Acts of Kindness.

It happens in homes among family members, it happens in parking lots, in shopping centers, office buildings and in traffic. (Remember in the early 90’s, all of the cases of road rage? People were pulling out guns on the highway and shooting each other for getting cut off in traffic.)

My speculation?

America is angry.

Just look at our schools. Bullying is becoming an epidemic. It’s going as far as causing murders and suicides amongst children. (Remember the mother/daughter bullying via face book, fellow student commits suicide?)

Events like this are happening inside of our schools, homes, shopping centers, office buildings, etc., and there is no law, improved screening process, metal detector or lock down drills that will prevent an unstable, hurting individual from pulling the trigger on his weapon of choice…

And, it is highly possible that the individuals committing these crimes don’t even understand where their pain begins; they just know that they want to hate others and they feel that ending someone else’s life, or paining someone else as much as they’ve been pained, will bring a complete end to their suffering.

It’s so disheartening when someone’s life is taken by a person who is in pain. Maybe they have been bullied or alienated.  Recent events like a job loss, divorce, demotion or passed over promotion has left them alone and hurt, so they seek revenge; randomly.

Now for the million dollar question…

How can we help?  

More guns or less?

More people carrying guns…or less?

More jails and security?

More anger, revenge and hatred? (We see that’s not working.)

Loughner was just 22 years old, so young. So immature and he chose to do something so senseless and hurtful. And there are children everywhere, younger than him doing this to their schoolmates…It needs to stop.

The one common thread amongst individuals committing crimes of this type? They became distant and were considered somewhat of a loner.

My Solution?

We have to work from the inside out…

We need to teach the world to hurt healthy so that we don’t harm others when we are in pain.

Like my mission in life…

We need to improve the emotional wellbeing of everyone around us so there is less pain and less people who feel alone. So that less and less of these things happen.

We must teach children from the time they are infants that it’s okay to hurt and it’s okay to be sad, and teach them how to handle it.

Teach men it’s okay to cry.  Teach people to be kind, even when they don’t feel like it.

We must help children understand the importance of self-esteem and help them achieve it by building them up; holding their hand through tough times, showing them that we can help, and most importantly, that they’re not alone.

Love for others comes by feeling accepted and loved ourselves.

We need more love, compassion and acceptance; more understanding, patience and tolerance; stronger self identities and self-esteem.  All of this is learned by being nurtured and loved unconditionally as children and by being offered opportunities to accomplish things themselves.

We must do our best to help our children grow up loving themselves; and not the narcissistic way; by bullying others. But by being giving and compassionate. We must work on improving our children emotionally so that they can care for, and not hurt, others.

Luckily, there are many people who know that no matter what has happened to them, no amount of expressed, ill- directed anger, will replace the person, or thing, they once had.  Those are most likely the ones who deal with the pain, are secure in themselves, feel loved and have faith.

Those types of people understand that anger is a feeling. It’s a feeling that with proper understanding, support and time, will eventually pass, at the very least, will become bearable. They know that it’s normal and natural, and they really do believe, and are convinced, that hurting others or themselves is never going to make the pain go away. They need to be the ones to be the model; the ones who teach; the ones who reach out.

Christina Green’s parents are dealing with the pain and they are choosing not to use hatred to express how they hurt. They are giving; they donated their daughter’s organs to save a life. They are appreciative; they thanked everyone who supports them through this. They are hopeful and strong.

This is our future.

This is our children’s future.

 “You have affected the whole country,” Christina’s father said.

…She certainly has…Arizona was our wake up call.

So that Christina-Taylor Green’s passing is not in vain, I pray that this event gives us all a strong desire to work harder to change the direction of our youth and of the angry, by healing people from the inside out.

In the end, it’s a possibility that no one will ever really know why Jared Loughner pulled the trigger so many times that day…

… I think if we had that answer, we’d be that much closer to world peace.

Truly,

Amber

Old-School Doctors vs. New-School Doctors

Welcome to my office...this won't hurt a bit;) ;)

I had to visit the doctor today.

Isn’t it unfortunate when your doctor can’t be there and you have to see a doctor you’ve never met?

Don’t you just feel uncomfortable when you know you’re sick, you know you need to see a doctor, but your own cannot be there for the appointment and… they have nothing else open on the schedule this week.

Logically, as many of us have experienced, you take the appointment with the new doctor and cross your fingers.

At the appointment, you are expecting to go through the whole spiel about yourself to a complete stranger while they poke around and suggest things for you that are completely off the wall because they don’t know you or your history.

Well today, I was met with a complete surprise.

The new doctor who saw me was wonderful! And he was not new at all! He was an older doctor and reminded me of the old school doctors I used to have.

You know the ones from a long time ago? Long before these new drive-thru doctors that pull you in and push you out quicker than you can order a value meal.

Old school doctors would sit down with you and listen patiently to what you had to say. They would actually read your chart and the symptoms the nurse collected, rather than just flip the top page up and down a few time and say, ‘uh-huh. I seeee’, without ever looking at you.

Today, I really dreaded meeting with a new doctor, but in the end I felt good about it! And when I mentioned it to the nurse on the way out she nonchalantly said how I ‘have the right to switch doctors’.

Switch doctors!?! I could do that!?

I could switch my doctor from a chatty, busy, inattentive, half-listening one to a sweet, patient one who is communicative and concerned???

How?

The nurse said that all I had to do when I called next time was to make an appointment with the new doctor.

That made my day.

Though there was a catch. (Isn’t there always?)

The catch was the passing statement she made on her way out the door.

She said, ‘..He’s nice, but, when he’s running behind, he’s running behind…’

Hmmm. ‘But, what does that mean?’, I asked.

She repeated her statement then shut the door.

Well, I guess at the doctor’s office, you get what you pay for…except you pay for it with time.

I don’t think I’d mind sitting in a doctor’s office waiting room for an extra fill-in-the-blank-amount of time for the sweet, old, patient, communicative doctor to give the person before me, the same wonderful bedside manner I am looking forward to when it’s my turn….

He was on schedule today…the circumstances were perfect.

I will let you know if he’s worth the wait when I go next time… If he diagnoses things correctly because he’s paying attention, I’m going to bet he will be.

Truly,

Amber

"The world is a book, and those who do not travel, read only a page." St. Augustine

                   I WISH THIS WAS MY LIBRARY AT HOME!!!:)

Picutre courtesy of StumbleUpon.com

       "I have always imagined that paradise will be a kind of library."

                                                                 -Jorge Luis Borges

    Truly,

   Amber

Children Have Their Own Opinions...and It Starts Young



Kids can reach their own opinions long before adults interject.

Tonight my son was watching a football game, which is common for him when the NFL is on T.V.

The Steelers/Ravens game was on.

As the camera panned the Pittsburgh stadium, my son paused for a moment, shook his head and said, ‘Look at them with their flags; waving them’.

I was in the hall walking by the living room. I saw the clip of video and knew what he was witnessing; it was a sea of proud Pittsburgh Steelers fans, waving their Terrible Towels.

I knew by his reference of ‘flags’ that he’d probably never noticed the towels before. I was confident that we’d never discussed them before so I was aware that this conversation was about to become an educational moment.

I strongly believe that it’s not a good idea to impose my ideas and opinions on my children until first they establish their own.

If they ask me my feelings or views later, I will tell them, but until then I make it a point to avoid sharing my own views before they reach their own.

So with no emotion and from another room, I made my reply a statement; strictly informational and unbiased.

I told him ‘the ‘flags’ were Terrible Towels and that Pittsburgh fans swing above their heads to cheer the Steelers’.

I was surprised, that even as the sweet, kind and gentle little boy he is, who uses good manners every day and never insults anyone, could display such a distaste for what he was seeing.

I never had to say a word about how I felt about the Terrible Towel. He had his own thoughts. He’d formed his own opinion, and it was quite similar to a true Browns fan.

He went as far as to make a silly laugh and give an eye roll. I didn’t teach him that, I swear!  

I simply educated him on the truth. He was the one who came to his own conclusion.

I might not have been the one who influenced him in his opinion of the Terrible Towel tradition,

but…......I am afraid I will need to have a talk with his older sisters. I have a feeling they may have had a hand in teaching him the eye roll….

Truly,

Amber

  

Ten Lies You’ll Hear Before Pursuing Your Dream

While enjoying this chilly, snowy Saturday indoors, I decided to check out some new
websites.

One was Digg.com, which I did not find to be the right fit for me at this time, and
another was StumbleUpon.com.

Check it out! It's both fun and informative.

Although I am sure, like anything else on the internet, it can have it's addictive qualities.

It's kind of like a slot machine. Press Stumble and wait to see what you get.

Smart though and worthy of your time; the more you tell it what you like

and do not like, the more it caters to you and sends you more, or less, of what you desire.

Try it out and tell me what you think.

If you use StumbleUpon.com already, tell me your favorite features.

See my favorite Stumble for the day:

Ten Lies You’ll Hear Before Pursuing Your Dream

is an article that was found for me today.

Some of the photos came a close second, and the mini video Post-it Note Love deserves and honorable mention.

Enjoy stumbling;)

Truly,

Amber